Absurd and Awfully Funny Sex Advice to Steer Clear of

2015-02-03

The internet is a great resource for learning about everything, including human sexuality. That said, there is a lot of absurd and yet awfully funny sex advice to steer clear of and not just from women’s magazines. There are what are thought to be reputable resources that are male oriented and just as ridiculous. For instance, according to Maxim U.K., “Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob.” Certainly if you get any in the external urethral orifice, or the hole in the head of your penis, you’re going to be screaming in pain, not pleasure. The look on her face when you enter the bedroom in such a manner will be photo worthy, that’s for sure. This next one comes from Men’s Health, “After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty make-out session: male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female’s does… So prolonged French kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically.” This fact about male saliva is true. But no woman on earth wants a sweaty make-out session. The first thing she’s thinking is “Get in the shower stinky man.” If you force it, the aversion and “ew” factor is enough to ensure you are settling down with a tub of lotion and some tissues for the evening.

Here’s another gem from Men’s Health, first get your hands on a string of her pearls, then “lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation.” What woman in her right mind is going to feel okay with you doing this to her good pearls? Furthermore, she’s probably going to be more worried about cleaning them then clearing your snorkel. Next, from Cheateau Heartiste, “Flirt with other women in front of her. Do not dissuade other women from flirting with you. Women will never admit this but jealousy excites them. The thought of you turning on another woman will arouse her sexually.” This is a good way to get yourself slapped, or have her walk out on you. It is woefully disrespectful to flirt with other women in front of her. Sure, some casual polite niceties are okay. And being attractive to others of the same sex is a turn on. But if she sees you flirting with other girls in front of her you’ll be stuck in the doghouse rather than in the penthouse with her.  From Men’s Health, “Make sure she knows how beautiful she is and how sexually skilled she is, especially if she isn’t — sexually skilled, that is.” Do not reinforce bad technique in bed. Be honest with her. If what she’s doing isn’t pleasing you gingerly steer her to what is. Or else you’ll be feeling frustrated and that will turn up in the bedroom. Whatever sex advice you are reading on the internet, remember to be skeptical, have a laugh if warranted and shag responsibly.