How to win over stubborn children
        2011-06-16
        		The battles with the older of my two girls began when she was a  toddler. I’ve got photos of the tiny thing standing a good distance away  from me at the park, arms folded defiantly, eyes glaring as if to say  “No way am I doing what you want, lady!” I even have a videotape of her  saying indignantly into the camera, “I’m a mommy, too — of my dollies!  I’m in charge now!”
Some kids are just built to butt heads with  their parents. Call it stubborn or strong-willed or whatever you like.  If you’re living with one of these guys, you know that straightforward  methods of getting them to follow directions or behave often don’t work.  They want to be in charge. But, of course, so do you!
Instead of  resorting to the usual verbal combat (aka yelling or pleading), try my  so-called sneaky or judo parenting strategies instead.
Being  sneaky doesn’t have to mean being underhanded or manipulative with your  children. Rather, “‘sneaky parenting’ is actually ‘smart parenting,'”  explains parenting educator Sharon Silver of Proactive Parenting, in  Tucson, AZ, and author of “Stop Reacting and Start Responding”. “It  means approaching your kids sideways instead of straight on, and using  calmness, respect, and creativity to get what you want accomplished.”
Rachel  Rudman, a mom of two and a pediatric occupational therapist in  Cedarhurst, NY, supports this approach. “In my private practice, I  constantly recommend what could be referred to as ‘sneaky parenting’  strategies, and they work for me at home, too,” she says.
Her  take: It’s simply human nature for everyone — children, too — to want  to be included in decisions about their daily habits. “With many kids  who need just a little more control, asking their opinion sometimes and  giving them choices often are easy answers to getting them to do what  ‘we’ want,” she notes.
Try the following tricks and your child will probably even think it was all her idea!
Chore wars
The power struggle:  Your toddler spends half the day pulling toys off the shelf and out of  the box, then flits off to another activity when it’s time to clean up.
Sneaky strategies
Beat the clock. For the younger set, the best bet is almost always to turn picking up  toys into a beat-the-timer game, suggests Malibu, CA, psychotherapist  Susan Stiffelman, author of “Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising  Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected”.
Stubborn kids are often intrigued by games and challenges, so see how  many toys your child can put away in, say, five minutes. You can push  the idea further by keeping a chart and encouraging your child to “beat  his best effort,” perhaps rewarding him with a sticker or privilege when  he does.
Play the “helper” card. Ask him, “Would you like  to be my special helper today? You are so good at setting the dinner  table, gathering laundry, cleaning the mirror…” so your child feels  like pitching in is actually a privilege.
Think positive. Use encouraging, supportive words, rather than threats, to help take the  “fight” out of obstinate kids, emphasizes Stiffelman. Instead of saying  “We can’t go to the park until your toys are put away!” try “As soon as  your toys are put away, we get to go to the park!”
If your  child replies “But I really wanna go play with Brandon,” instead of  nagging him about what he has to do to earn that privilege, smile  brightly and say “Why yes, you certainly can do that…as soon as all  your toys are picked up.”
Bath and bedtime battles
The power struggle:  Your child knows that getting out of the bathtub means bedtime is  close, so no way is she leaving the water willingly! As for bedtime, she  fights it every pajama-clad step of the way. It’s becoming a nightly  sparring period for your family.
Sneaky strategies
Tune in. Steal a method that stores and movie producers employ all the time —  using music to influence people’s moods. Calming tunes subliminally puts  Kellie Pease’s three children into bedtime mode without her ever saying  a word.
Each child has a favorite disc that the Derby, CT, mom  pops into a CD player during bath- and storytime to help them wind down.  This works especially well with strong-willed kids, who may have a hard  time relaxing enough on their own to be ready to go to sleep.
Play the “yes” game. Try this clever strategy from Stiffelman: Ask your child questions that  will prompt her to answer “yes” at least three times in a row, such as  “Wow, you’re having a great time playing with those bath toys, aren’t  you?” (Yep!) “What about bringing your swimming goggles into the bath  with you next time? Would that be fun?” (Hey, yeah, that’s a good idea!)
“Does that dinosaur float? Can you show me?” (Sure I can! Just  watch this!) The “three yeses” help break down your child’s resistance,  and she also feels like she’s been heard and understood.
Offer options. Gently guide her toward the next step with two choices, such as “Do you  want to dry yourself off with the towel or should I help you?” Don’t  announce that bathtime is over; simply start the process.
Move  seamlessly through the getting-ready-for-bed routine, offering two  options at a time along the way, such as “Which book should we read  before bed — X or Y?” If your child balks at the choices — “Neither!  I’m not going to bed!” — respond calmly, “That wasn’t one of the  choices. Did you want this book or that one?” Repeat calmly as needed.
Stiffelman  says stubborn kids hate hearing parents sound like broken records, and  they usually give in. If they don’t, simply say “Okay, I guess you’ve  chosen not to have a book tonight. Good night, sweetie! We’ll try again  tomorrow night!” Lights-out. And don’t give in, even if your kid puts up  a fuss. Sticking to your word practically guarantees you won’t have a  repeat episode tomorrow night.
Establish a connection. Before actually moving your kids toward the bedroom, use a technique  psychotherapist Susan Stiffelman, of Malibu, CA, calls “Connect Before  You Direct.” Take a few minutes to sit beside your child and show  interest in the game he’s playing or TV show he’s watching.
Ask a  few well-placed questions or say something supportive like “I can see  why you like this show — it’s really funny!” When kids feel connected  to you, they’re much more likely to do what you ask next, says  Stiffelman, the author of “Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising  Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm, and Connected”.
Negotiate a new bedtime. Bigger kids’ sleep habits are starting to change as they head toward  tweendom. If you prefer your child be in bed with the lights out at 8:30  p.m., but he swears he’s not tired until 9 p.m., strike a deal that he  must be in his room and quiet — not coming out repeatedly to bug you —  at 8:30.
Then he can stay up and read or play quietly, and  you’ll trust him to put himself into bed when 9 p.m. rolls around.  Strong-willed kids see this kind of deal as a “win” on their part  because it gives them an added measure of independence.
But be  clear that if your child breaks the deal — by being loud, coming out of  his room, or ignoring the new curfew — you’ll go back to the earlier  lights-out time.
Dinnertime dynamics
The power struggle:  Your child refuses all veggies, eats only white foods, or insists he  isn’t hungry at all. You fear he’ll starve, and you resent his attitude  after you’ve worked so hard to prepare the meal.
Sneaky strategies
Start small. Give picky eaters very small portions of everything you’re serving,  then let them choose what they want to eat, if anything, recommends  child-development and behavior specialist Betsy Brown Braun, the Pacific  Palisades, CA, author of “You’re Not the Boss of Me: Brat-Proofing Your  4- to 12-Year-Old Child”.
The critical key to your sneakiness:  Don’t say a word about the food. No pushing your child to try just a  bite. “Talk about your day, the weather, anything other than food, since  that’s what picky eaters are waiting for — a chance to fight with  you,” says Brown Braun.
Dish up a dessert. If you know  your child is just biding his time until he gets his end-of-the-meal  treat, don’t deny him, but do make sure it’s super small, like one  chocolate kiss or a vanilla-wafer cookie, Brown Braun says. You can even  put it on the plate with dinner so your child knows that’s all he’s  going to get.
That way, there’s no more bargaining with your  child to eat “real food” in return for sweets. He gets dessert no matter  what, and you won’t feel like you’re caving in, because the treat is so  small and unexciting. Plus, there’s no way that little dessert will  fill your child up.
If he’s still hungry — and he will be — he’ll have to go back to his entrée and the accompanying veggies!
Keep your cool. Have one unchanging food alternative your child can make himself if he  doesn’t want what you’re serving. It should be easy, nutritious,  something you always have on hand, and not require cooking.
Think  beans, yogurt, hummus, or even the good old PB&J sandwich, suggests  child and family therapist (and mom of three kids) Wendy Young of  Newberry, MI. “Even three-year-olds can smear peanut butter on bread,  and it’s important for stubborn kids to be in charge of the alternate  food,” she says.
After a few meals of this, most kids will weary  of preparing (and eating) their alternate food and give in to what  you’re serving. If your child decides to eat nothing at all, Young  suggests supporting his decision and calmly acknowledging, “No problem.  You can have a big breakfast tomorrow.”
Really headstrong kids  can carry on this act for a long time, however, so be prepared. The most  important thing here is to keep calm and not have an emotional  reaction. Encouraging, but never forcing, your child to eat a variety of  foods should be the main objective.
Keep in mind, too, that  tastes change over time, so what a child refuses to eat today may  actually be well-liked in several months.
Wardrobe willfulness
The power struggle:  Your little fashionista pushes to wear clothes that you think look  silly or are inappropriate for the weather, not to mention continually  changing outfits in the time-pressed morning.
Sneaky strategies
Clean out the closet. First off, having too many clothes adds fuel to the fire here. If your  child’s closet is bulging, parenting educator Sharon Silver suggests  rotating an assortment of clothes every few weeks (move the extras into  bins out of sight) or simply putting away out-of-season items.
If  there’s anything in your child’s closet that you consider inappropriate  (too-tight pants, ripped or stained shirts, fuzzy boots in summer),  you’re the parent: Remove them. Argument over.
Pick your battles. Every evening before bed, narrow down your child’s clothing options to  two or three ensembles from which she can choose for the next day. But  remember: Allowing your kid to make the final decision is still  important. “Like adults, kids feel more comfortable all day long if they  are wearing clothes that feel and fit them right for that particular  day,” says Silver.
Another sneaky secret: laying out the complete outfit the night before, to head off manic morning battles.
Ignore the weather. As for the coat conundrum, “Just let it go,” says Silver. If your child  doesn’t want to wear a jacket, “Stay quiet, then listen for the  chattering teeth in the backseat or while you’re walking,” she says.
You  could also let your kid either carry it or put it in her backpack just  in case (again, two choices you’re fine with). Sneaky parents let  strong-willed kids learn the value of outerwear on their own, because  that’s usually how they learn best.
Homework hassles
The power struggle:  Your child constantly whines for your help when you know she’s capable  of doing homework herself, or is still finishing up assignments when  it’s bedtime.
Sneaky strategies
Break it down. First, consider that your child’s stubbornness or whining may actually  be a sign that she’s overwhelmed by her schoolwork or has trouble  focusing. If that’s the case, try breaking down her tasks into smaller  increments (two math problems, three spelling words written out, etc.)  and letting her jump up and down or run laps around the room as a break  before she goes back for more work.
Use the timer approach for  tough cases: Your child works for ten minutes, takes a one- to  two-minute break, then works for another ten minutes. Most kids can do  almost anything for just ten minutes at a stretch!
Make it fun. Could your son do his required reading in a tent you make with a table  and a sheet? By flashlight in a dark room? Could your child practice her  spelling while bouncing a ball or jumping rope (as the main character  did in the movie “Akeelah and the Bee”)? Give it a shot.
Do a disappearing act. If you’re confident your child really can handle things on her own,  purposely move to a different part of the house while she does her  homework, suggests Brown Braun. Make it a rule that she must come to you  if she has any questions, not vice versa.
Of  course, you’ll want to check in with her about halfway through and at  the end to be sure she’s on track. But if your student has to climb a  flight of stairs to ask for help or lug a heavy textbook to you, she may  learn to take a minute to think on her own before she seeks you out.