Monthly Archives: November 2014

Does Romance Kill Men’s Sex Drive?

Psycological Health

Does Romance Kill Men’s Sex Drive?

2014-11-26

Romance primes her body for the bedroom. But for men, it may have the opposite effect. (Dylan & Sara/Stocksy)

Turns out, there may be a scientific reason why movies based on Nicholas Sparks novels are called “chick flicks.” Watching romantic movies revs women’s sex drives — but it also dampens men’s desire to hit the sheets, according to a new study in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior.

In the world of sex research, there’s a theory about sexual desire called the “incentive motivation model.” That’s a technical way of saying arousal starts with a rewarding stimuli (for example, seeing your partner naked), which automatically leads to a boost in below-the-belt blood flow. Once you realize your body is responding, your mind joins the arousal process, which only heightens your physical response, compelling you to seek sex.

As simple as that sounds, the first step — the sexual stimuli that kicks off the whole arousal process — can vary dramatically between men and women. Take porn, for example. “In a lot of research, when women watch porn movies, their body reacts — they’re genitally aroused — but they don’t feel anything,” lead study author Marieke Dewitte, an assistant professor of clinical psychological science at Maastricht University, told Yahoo Health. However, “we know that if you let women watch porn that is more female-oriented, embedded in a story, they respond with more sexual arousal.”

This suggests that, for women, it’s not just what the sexual stimuli is that matters, but also the context in which they encounter it. “Their sexuality is more dependent on the relationship context,” Dewitte explained.

That’s what inspired the design of her study: 86 men and 78 women watched three video clips — shots of a couple having sex; the scene from Titanic when Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet share their first smooch, along with a romantic clip from Indecent Proposal; and snippets of a documentary about English history. After watching each clip, the study participants rated how turned on they felt, both mentally and physically. They also completed a survey that measured how much they wanted and liked sex.

Women reported a greater desire for sex after watching theTitanic and Indecent Proposal clips, compared to the sex scenes. Men, on the other hand, were most inclined to do the deed after watching the explicit clips. And, surprisingly, they felt more desire after seeing the boring English documentary than after watching the romantic movies.

romancing

What’s going on? Simple: Women may use romantic scenes as a jumping-off point to conjure their own sexual fantasies — say, imagining being seduced by someone like Jack Dawson in Titanic. By contrast, “men need more visual information,” said Dewitte. As a result, guys tend to favor explicit sexual stimuli (like pornography), possibly because they’re wired to reproduce with lots of partners, rather than nurturing a romantic bond with one woman. “For women, the attachment system is more important, so the partner stays with them and raises the child,” she said. “So it makes sense that sexuality is much more related to the relationship.”

We’ve all heard the “men are more visual” spiel before. But, more importantly, this study helps debunk the long-held theory that men are simply more sexual than women. Dewitte found that in a test designed to measure “implicit” feelings — that is, automatic responses, rather than thought-out replies — women liked sex just as much as men. “If you put women in the right context, they experience as much — or even more — sexual desire than men,” she said. “They don’t always like sex the way men like it. They like kissing, they like intimacy.”

So how can couples overcome this mismatch in cues for sexual desire?

Men: Invest in the relationship

You’ve heard it before: Foreplay starts outside the bedroom — and we don’t necessarily mean fooling around on the couch. “Invest in the relationship during the day,” Dewitte said, which can including sending a lovely message, bringing her a gift or telling her she’s beautiful. These little acts of romance help kick her arousal system into high gear: When a woman senses her partner is emotionally invested, she’s more likely to be primed for fun in the bedroom later. “Men, if you want to have sex with your partner, don’t wait until you’re in the bedroom, and then quickly caress her,” she said.

Women: Pay attention to your body

Learn to listen to your body: Can you feel your heart beating faster? Your arousal building? Make sure to do the same for your partner, too — if you try to detect when he’s aroused, you might just find your own body responding.

Women: Figure out what excites you

As a sex therapist, Dewitte often asks her female patients this question: In order to become sexually aroused, what do you need? “A lot of women don’t know what they need,” she said. “So I ask them to go on the Internet, read books, learn for yourself, ‘What turns me on?’” In her experience, erotic stories often do the trick for women since, unlike porn, naughty reading material allows them to conjure up their own visuals. “Men have to watch — they have to see a breast or an explicit visual cue,” she said. “For women, it’s much more about fantasy.”

Women: Take time to fantasize

If you feel awkward fantasizing, that’s totally normal — it actually can take practice. “Sometimes, in the beginning, it’s not spontaneous at all,” Dewitte said. Her advice: Set aside five minutes a day, and try to script your own sexual fantasies in your head. You may find it tough at first, but eventually you’ll get the hang of it. “You can learn to fantasize,” she said.

Sexual function: relationships, well-being a significant influence in menopausal women

Sexual Health

Sexual function: relationships, well-being a significant influence in menopausal women

Past relationships and emotional health may have a much greater influence on menopausal women’s sexual function than hormones. This is according to a new study published in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism.

The research team, including Dr. John F. Randolph of the University of Michigan Medical School, says that when a woman goes through menopause, both sexual function and reproductive hormones are subject to changes.

Past studies have assessed how hormonal changes affect sexual function – defined as incidence of desire, arousal, orgasm and pain during intercourse – among menopausal women.

Some of these studies have indicated that hormones such as testosterone – the primary sex hormone in men, although women produce it in small amounts – and estradiol play a role in sexual function among this population, but Dr. Randolph and colleagues say the results have been mixed.

Analyzing sexual function, hormone levels of more than 3,300 women

As such, the team set out with the aim of answering this question: “Are baseline or concurrent serum levels, or changes in levels, of measured reproductive hormones related to domains of sexual function in midlife women as they transition through the menopause?”

To reach their findings, the researchers analyzed data from 3,302 women aged 42-52 years who took part in the Study of Women’s Health around the Nation (SWAN).

At study baseline and during annual follow-up visits throughout the 10-year study, the women were required to complete a questionnaire that asked about their frequency of masturbation, sexual desire, sexual arousal, orgasm and any pain experienced during sexual intercourse.

In addition, blood samples were taken from the women and assessed to measure levels of a number of reproductive hormones – including testosterone, dehydroepiandrosterone sulfate (DHEAS) – which the body can convert into either testosterone or estradiol – and follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH), levels of which naturally increase during menopause.

Relationships, emotional health ‘tremendously important’ to women’s sexual function

Results of the analysis revealed that women who had high levels of testosterone or DHEAS experienced sexual desire more frequently and masturbated more often than women who had low levels of these hormones.

Women who had high levels of FSH, however, masturbated less frequently than those who had low levels of the hormone.

But perhaps the most interesting finding was that hormone levels appeared to have only a subtle influence on women’s overall sexual function. In fact, the team found that having fewer sad moods and higher relationship satisfaction was more strongly associated with better sexual function.

woman-and-man-holding-hands

Commenting on these findings, Dr. Randolph says:

“While levels of testosterone and other reproductive hormones were linked to women’s feelings of desire and frequency of masturbation, our large-scale study suggests psychosocial factors influence many aspects of sexual function.

A woman’s emotional well-being and quality of her intimate relationship are tremendously important contributors to sexual health.”

In addition, the researchers say that menopausal women should consider whether emotional well-being or relationship satisfaction may be playing a role in diminished sexual function before undergoing hormone treatment, such as testosterone therapy, of which the long-term health effects are unclear.

In August, Medical News Today reported on a study investigating how gender and sexual orientation influence orgasms. The researchers, from Indiana University, found that single women are less likely to experience an orgasm than single men.

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Improper Masturbation Techniques can Cost you

Sexual Health

Improper Masturbation Techniques can Cost you

2014-11-24

We’ve seen a big turnaround in the subject. Adults just a few short generations ago would tell young men that they’d go blind if they touched themselves. Now psychologists and medical professionals believe it is perfectly healthy and natural, and may even be a way to make sure sperm stays in tip-top condition. But when is masturbation too frequent? The simple answer is, when it interferes with your love life. If you cannot finish with your partner, or take so long that it becomes a burden, it is time to roll the frequency back, or even take a break altogether. Improper techniques can cost you as well. Unorthodox masturbatory practices were recently the topic of an article in the peer-reviewed Journal of Sexual Medicine. The most dangerous to a man’s sex life were those acts that do not mimic sexual relations with a partner, for example using a vacuum hose or a hot tub jet in order to reach orgasm. These men had less sensation within the penis, lower libidos, and less response when it came time to have sex with a partner.techniques

Over masturbation due to easy access to internet pornography is another big problem for men today. Climaxing to these videos is fine. When it happens so often a man cannot reach orgasm with a partner, it becomes an issue. Also, some men get really specific about what kind of porn they like. These specifics may creep into the psyche. Now, he needs that particular kind of sex, position or scenario in order to reach orgasm, making bedroom activities much more narrow and confined. If this is the case, drop internet porn for a while, do not masturbate for two weeks, and spend ample time on foreplay with a partner after the two weeks are up, getting both of you highly aroused, before engaging in intercourse. Lastly, don’t engage in any masturbation that is too rigorous or can be dangerous. The more rigorously you handle the penis, the more desensitized it becomes, and the harder it is to reach orgasm. Just like with anything else, moderation is key.

How Sex is Good for You

Sexual Health

How Sex is Good for You

2014-11-19

A recent study out of the University of Montreal claims that regular ejaculation lowers the risk of prostate cancer. But there are many other ways that sex is good for you, too. For instance, a 1999 study found that those who have sex twice per week helped protect their body against colds. Men who engaged in intercourse at this frequency had 20% more immunoglobulin in their bloodstream, which helps fight off sickness promoting bacteria and viruses. De-stress with sex, and if your partner doesn’t believe you, point them to a study in the journal Biological Psychology. Touching, kissing, holding one another, and other physical closeness lowers cortisol—the stress hormone. It also boosts oxytocin, a powerful, depression fighting hormone that helps us bond and feel connected. Want to look younger?  Getting some one-on-one time with your partner could mean preserving the impish rogue in the mirror, instead of seeing him turn into an old devil too soon. According to a study out of Royal Edinburgh University, those who had sex four times per week or more released higher levels of the hormones norepinephrine, dopamine, and adrenaline. This relaxes muscles and preserves skin cells, staving off wrinkles. Players beware. For this benefit “loving intercourse” was found more beneficial than simple promiscuity.Young lovers in bed kissing.

Want to protect your ticker? Spend more time between the sheets. Those men who had sex twice per week had a 45% less chance of having a serious heart attack, according to the New England Research Institute in Massachusetts. 1,000 men participated in the study. These results are now prompting doctors to ask patients about their sex lives. Looking to get a little more physical fitness in your life? Twenty four minutes in bed with a lover burns 104 calories, so say researchers at the University of Montreal. You should plan for a longer session to receive the full benefit. A quickie burns only 20 calories.  As we age, weakened bones become a serious concern for both sexes. Luckily, testosterone helps to strengthen them. Sex boosts testosterone which can in turn protect your bones. Trouble sleeping? A roll in the hay puts most guy’s right to sleep. French medical institute Inserm confirmed this. The release of the neurotransmitter serotonin makes you both happy and relaxed post-coitus. So the next time you are putting the moves on your partner, let them know your motives aren’t selfish, merely health-related.

Vitamin-D and Prostate Cancer

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Vitamin-D and Prostate Cancer

A new study out of the University of Colorado Cancer Center in Denver finds that vitamin-D and prostate cancer are inexorably linked. The essential nutrient regulates the gene GDF-15. But in cases of prostate cancer driven by inflammation, when vitamin-D is absent so is the gene. The peer-reviewed journal Prostate published the study. Lead author James R. Lambert, PhD. said, “When you take vitamin D and put it on prostate cancer cells, it inhibits their growth. But it hasn’t been proven as an anti-cancer agent. We wanted to understand what genes vitamin-D is turning on or off in prostate cancer to offer new targets.” The group proved that vitamin-D regulates the gene, and wanted to further prove that this particular gene was how vitamin-D affected prostate cancer. Dr. Lambert wrote in the press release, “We thought there might be high levels of GDF-15 in normal tissue and low levels in prostate cancer, but we found that in a large cohort of human prostate tissue samples, expression of GDF-15 did not track with either normal or cancerous prostate tissue.” But then they noticed something else.

Sunshine Vitamin D

The presence of GDF-15 was low in human prostate cancer tissue samples where inflammation was present. Dr. Lambert said, “Inflammation is thought to drive many cancers, including prostate, gastric, and colon. Therefore, GDF-15 may be a good thing in keeping prostate tissue healthy; it suppresses inflammation, which is a bad actor potentially driving prostate cancer.” Researchers utilized a sophisticated new technique in this study, using computer algorithms to analyze biochemical data. Gene GDF-15 was shown to inhibit NFkB, a biochemical compound which was shown to contribute to cancer growth and inflammation in previous studies. Dr. Lambert said, “There’s been a lot of work on inhibiting NFkB.” He added, “Now from this starting point of vitamin D in prostate cancer, we’ve come a long way toward understanding how we might use GDF-15 to target NFkB, which may have implications in cancer types far beyond prostate.”

Performance Anxiety when Trying to Conceive

Reproductive Health

Performance Anxiety when Trying to Conceive

2014-11-12

When you first start trying to have a baby, it can seem too good to be true. There are no more condoms to fool around with. Your partner may be extra motivated, which is always fun. Certain days you know, no matter what happened that day, you are getting lucky that night. But after some time, say months or even a year, what was once an added bonus can turn into a liability. Los Angeles marriage and family therapist Aaron Buckwalter says, “…after 6 months of no pregnancy, people start to get a little worried. Part of this worry derives from hearing so much about infertility that people start to get anxious and move rapidly into concern about infertility.” This is where sex turns a corner. Instead of fun, it becomes a chore. Buckwalter says, “Some books and doctors recommend having sex twice a day during the ovulation period. Having sex 6 times in three days sounds like it could be fun, but can lead to performance anxiety and often anger and resentment.” This negativity is carried into the bedroom. But how men and women deal with such emotions is different.anxiety (1)

“Men do typically bear the brunt of performance anxiety as couples try to conceive,” Buckwalter says. “When the pressure is on to have sex numerous times in a short time period, many men have erection difficulties and also difficulty achieving orgasm each time. If there is a ‘failure’ in one of those attempts, it can compound the pressure later in the day or the following day to perform their duty successfully.” The woman’s own anxieties can compound the issue. With so much pressure and negative emotions building up on both sides, and the spontaneity and playfulness gone out of it, it’s no wonder so many guys have performance anxiety at this crucial time. So how can you overcome it? According to Buckwalter, “Rather than giving into the timetable and feeling rushed, the couple should relax and try to re-introduce playfulness into the situation. It can be a good time to check in with each other about fantasies or role playing ideas and other ways to distract them from the timetable.” Make it more like in the old days. Don’t feel pressured. Instead, find ways to deal with your anxiety. Talk about it and see how she feels, too. Once you clear the air and deal with those negative emotions, lovemaking can become organic and exciting, and less of a chore. If performance anxiety still exists, seek out a counselor or sex therapist. If you cannot conceive after one year of trying, see a fertility specialist.

The Not-So-Incredible Shrinking Penis

Sexual Health

The Not-So-Incredible Shrinking Penis

The size of a man’s member means a lot in our society. Most men know about shrinkage. Whether or not women do is another matter. That famous episode of George Canstanza being walked in on, on “Seinfeld” comes to mind. Most men know that cold water temporarily causes shrinkage. This is because the cold forces the penis to move closer inside the body, in order to remain warm. Of course, this state causes no permanent damage whatsoever. There are other causes however, which can also affect both length and width. Some are temporary. Taking care of your member and your health can help you avoid it. One place not to worry about this phenomenon is when working out. During exercise, blood rushes to the muscles to give them oxygen and nutrients. When this happens, other areas become smaller. That doesn’t mean any damage is dealt. In fact, exercise overall is one of the healthiest things you can do.shrinkage

Being overweight may make the penis look smaller. But the extra fat around the pubic area doesn’t actually shrink the organ. It just hides it, somewhat. In fact, losing weight will make it look bigger. These have been temporary issues so far. Instead, long-term shrinkage is actually penis atrophy, and that spells trouble. The tissue of the penis reduces due to a serious health issue. One such thing that can cause it is smoking. Not only does ingesting tobacco hurt performance, and cause ED, it can also create visible shrinkage in girth and length. This is because toxins in tobacco hurt nerves, muscles, and blood vessels in the penis, and elsewhere in the body. Quitting may restore lost size. Penis tissue needs a constant supply of blood to bring it oxygen and nutrients. Poor circulation can limit these things, causing there to be less tissue in the most important of areas. Eating healthier and exercising can help improve circulation. A low level of testosterone limits the amount of erections a man has. Without a periodic rush of blood to the area, the tissue atrophies. Peyronie’s disease, usually an arc to the penis due to a buildup of scar tissue, can cause the inability to have sex, pain, and shrinkage. If you have this, see a doctor right away. Lastly, simple aging shrinks many areas of the body. The penis is sometimes one of them. Keep up a healthy lifestyle and you will maintain sexual and overall health. And the next time you change after swimming, make sure the door is locked.

Are any Penile Enhancement Products Effective?

Sexual Health

Are any Penile Enhancement Products Effective?

2014-11-06

“Penis enhancement” products are all over the internet. Put that phrase into Google and some 4.28 million search results come up. The most common methods include pumps, drinks, and pills that claim to elongate and widen the male member. Most are illegitimate. But are any of these products effective? According to the director of the University of Washington’s Men’s Health Center, Thomas J. Walsh, M.D., “To date there’s never been a cream, a pill, or anything of that nature that’s been shown to benefit phallus size.” He added, “There’s no quick, one-shot way to increase the size or the function of the male penis.” There are pills that can engorge the penis with blood faster, but that won’t increase size. The good news is, most men who think they are small aren’t, at least according to Larry Lipshultz, M.D. He is the chief of male reproductive medicine and surgery at Baylor College. Lipshultz says, “The majority of men who come in seeking penile enlargement are average.”enhanced

Marketers of such products pray on men’s feelings of inadequacy to make sales. Lipshultz says, “I just don’t think men have a realistic idea of what normal is. Hence they think that they are below normal when actually they’re average.” According to research published by the Journal of Sexual Medicine the average size is just 5.6 inches, which it turns out is plenty to satisfy a woman. One way to make it seem larger is to lose weight. Look at the area and notice if you have “suprapubic fat.” This can make the penis appear smaller. If it is in fact getting smaller, this is a sign of a serious medical issue. Difficulty creating or maintaining an erection is an issue to address with a physician or urologist. Dr. Walsh says, “There’s a very strong association between new erectile dysfunction and subsequently experiencing a cardiovascular event.” If you really want to be a superstar in the bedroom, avoid enhancement products. Instead, follow Dr. Walsh’s advice, “Improving your overall physique, reducing body fat, increasing lean muscle, and improving cardiovascular health have all been shown to enhance sexual performance.” The takeaway, “Anything you could think of to improve your overall health outlook is going to improve your sexual function and your sexual appearance,” Walsh said.

Low Testosterone and Type-2 Diabetes tied to Higher Vascular Risk

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Low Testosterone and Type-2 Diabetes tied to Higher Vascular Risk

Doctors have long seen a connection between type-2 diabetes, vascular problems and erectile dysfunction. But this is the first study to connect the other two with low levels of the male hormone. This was a cross-sectional study. All participants had type-2 diabetes, low serum testosterone levels—the kind that freely roams the bloodstream, and had a greater risk of thickening of the carotid artery. This is the one leading to the brain. Blood clots in this blood vessel can cause a stroke. These participants had six times greater risk of what is known as carotid artery intima media thickness (CIMT). 31% of the participants had low testosterone which was linked to a higher risk of vascular disease, known in medical terminology as atherosclerosis. The study was conducted by the Hospital Universitario Sanatorio Guemes in Buenos Aires, Argentina, in conjunction with Emory University in the U.S. The results were published online in the peer-reviewed Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism.Doctor-examining-patient-obese

Dr. Javier Mauricio Farias was the lead author of the study. Emory’s Dr. Guillermo E. Umpierrez co-authored. Umppierrez said in a statement, “Several cross-sectional studies have reported that about one-third of adult patients with obesity and type 2 diabetes have low serum testosterone.” He added, “Our study indicates a strong association between cardiovascular disease and low testosterone but does not prove causation.” The authors note that few studies have looked at a link between low testosterone, atherosclerosis and type-2 diabetes, before. Doctors say that the choice to administer testosterone replacement therapy, in hopes of saving men with these combined conditions, is controversial and up to their physician’s discretion. The researchers wrote, “Prospective randomized studies are needed to assess the clinical significance of our findings and the clinical impact of testosterone replacement on cardiovascular risk factors in diabetic patients with low total testosterone.” The role of testosterone replacement therapy (TRT) was not included in this study. However Dr. Umpierrez noted, “In elderly patients with evidence of atherosclerosis, testosterone replacement has not been shown to be of benefit and may even increase the risk of cardiovascular events.”

DOES ROMANCE KILL MEN’S SEX DRIVE?

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DOES ROMANCE KILL MEN’S SEX DRIVE?

2014-11-02

Romance primes her body for the bedroom. But for men, it may have the opposite effect. (Dylan & Sara/Stocksy)

Turns out, there may be a scientific reason why movies based on Nicholas Sparks novels are called “chick flicks.” Watching romantic movies revs women’s sex drives — but it also dampens men’s desire to hit the sheets, according to a new study in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior.

In the world of sex research, there’s a theory about sexual desire called the “incentive motivation model.” That’s a technical way of saying arousal starts with a rewarding stimuli (for example, seeing your partner naked), which automatically leads to a boost in below-the-belt blood flow. Once you realize your body is responding, your mind joins the arousal process, which only heightens your physical response, compelling you to seek sex.

As simple as that sounds, the first step — the sexual stimuli that kicks off the whole arousal process — can vary dramatically between men and women. Take porn, for example. “In a lot of research, when women watch porn movies, their body reacts — they’re genitally aroused — but they don’t feel anything,” lead study author Marieke Dewitte, an assistant professor of clinical psychological science at Maastricht University, told Yahoo Health. However, “we know that if you let women watch porn that is more female-oriented, embedded in a story, they respond with more sexual arousal.”

This suggests that, for women, it’s not just what the sexual stimuli is that matters, but also the context in which they encounter it. “Their sexuality is more dependent on the relationship context,” Dewitte explained.

That’s what inspired the design of her study: 86 men and 78 women watched three video clips — shots of a couple having sex; the scene from Titanic when Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet share their first smooch, along with a romantic clip from Indecent Proposal; and snippets of a documentary about English history. After watching each clip, the study participants rated how turned on they felt, both mentally and physically. They also completed a survey that measured how much they wanted and liked sex.

Women reported a greater desire for sex after watching theTitanic and Indecent Proposal clips, compared to the sex scenes. Men, on the other hand, were most inclined to do the deed after watching the explicit clips. And, surprisingly, they felt more desire after seeing the boring English documentary than after watching the romantic movies.

romancing

What’s going on? Simple: Women may use romantic scenes as a jumping-off point to conjure their own sexual fantasies — say, imagining being seduced by someone like Jack Dawson in Titanic. By contrast, “men need more visual information,” said Dewitte. As a result, guys tend to favor explicit sexual stimuli (like pornography), possibly because they’re wired to reproduce with lots of partners, rather than nurturing a romantic bond with one woman. “For women, the attachment system is more important, so the partner stays with them and raises the child,” she said. “So it makes sense that sexuality is much more related to the relationship.”

We’ve all heard the “men are more visual” spiel before. But, more importantly, this study helps debunk the long-held theory that men are simply more sexual than women. Dewitte found that in a test designed to measure “implicit” feelings — that is, automatic responses, rather than thought-out replies — women liked sex just as much as men. “If you put women in the right context, they experience as much — or even more — sexual desire than men,” she said. “They don’t always like sex the way men like it. They like kissing, they like intimacy.”

So how can couples overcome this mismatch in cues for sexual desire?

Men: Invest in the relationship

You’ve heard it before: Foreplay starts outside the bedroom — and we don’t necessarily mean fooling around on the couch. “Invest in the relationship during the day,” Dewitte said, which can including sending a lovely message, bringing her a gift or telling her she’s beautiful. These little acts of romance help kick her arousal system into high gear: When a woman senses her partner is emotionally invested, she’s more likely to be primed for fun in the bedroom later. “Men, if you want to have sex with your partner, don’t wait until you’re in the bedroom, and then quickly caress her,” she said.

Women: Pay attention to your body

Learn to listen to your body: Can you feel your heart beating faster? Your arousal building? Make sure to do the same for your partner, too — if you try to detect when he’s aroused, you might just find your own body responding.

Women: Figure out what excites you

As a sex therapist, Dewitte often asks her female patients this question: In order to become sexually aroused, what do you need? “A lot of women don’t know what they need,” she said. “So I ask them to go on the Internet, read books, learn for yourself, ‘What turns me on?’” In her experience, erotic stories often do the trick for women since, unlike porn, naughty reading material allows them to conjure up their own visuals. “Men have to watch — they have to see a breast or an explicit visual cue,” she said. “For women, it’s much more about fantasy.”

Women: Take time to fantasize

If you feel awkward fantasizing, that’s totally normal — it actually can take practice. “Sometimes, in the beginning, it’s not spontaneous at all,” Dewitte said. Her advice: Set aside five minutes a day, and try to script your own sexual fantasies in your head. You may find it tough at first, but eventually you’ll get the hang of it. “You can learn to fantasize,” she said.