The nature of sexual desire: Why less sex does not mean less love
2015-10-28
In our country, one out of every three married couples struggle with problems associated with mismatched sexual desire. This leaves one person feeling routinely rejected and the other incessantly hounded and perpetuates a nasty cycle of resentment. Different sex drives can wreak havoc outside the bedroom too. This sort of breakdown has put several marriages at risk of infidelity and divorce.
The reason humans desire sex is due to the hormone testosterone, which is a predominantly male hormone. It’s also the desire hormone, or the drive hormone or libido hormone. Men and women are different, not better or worse, just different.
Due to low free bioavailable testosterone, many women feel that they no longer have any interest in sex or sexual pleasure as they used to in the past, or maybe the clitoris is just not as sensitive as it used to be or it may even be painful to stimulate. There is no exact level of testosterone that correlates with good sexual functioning and appropriate levels of sexual desire. As men age, there is a steady decline in testosterone levels. In women, testosterone is present about one tenth of the amount usually found in men. Since testosterone maintains erectile tissue and part of a person’s desire for sex, it helps support the clitoris and its adjoining erectile tissue as well as a woman’s libido. As a woman ages, her ovaries gradually decrease production of both estrogen and testosterone and almost completely stop doing so at menopause. If a woman has her ovaries removed, the decline in hormones is abrupt and more drastic. Thus, women may find it difficult to lubricate when they are sexually aroused. If, after considerable amount of stimulation, a woman is still experiencing any of these symptoms as well as a significant change in her level of sexual desire, she may benefit from having some testosterone replacement. But even some women who are far from reaching menopause may face difficulties because of low testosterone.
The most common cause of this in today’s society is hormonal birth control. This includes the pill, cervical rings, injections, and hormone-coated IUDs. All of these raise the level of protein that attaches to estrogen and testosterone, leaving less of the free bioavailable hormone to circulate and have its effect on the tissues of the body. Since testosterone is bound very tightly to this protein, even a small increase in the protein’s production can drop the level of free testosterone (bioavailable testosterone) to problematic levels. Many a time, it is advisable to use alternate modes of birth control. Other biological desire killers are depression; estrogen producing tumours, hepatitis, low thyroid, high prolactin levels, stroke, epilepsy and pituitary gland diseases, and certain drugs that affect desire like blood pressure lowering drugs, cancer medications, tranquilizers, anti-depressants, ulcer medications etc.
For a spouse low on desire, agree to compromise on the frequency of sex so it can be viewed as “win-win”. You need to begin thinking and feeling differently about the role of sex and sexuality in your life. Recognise that the partner with low desire always dominates and sets the pace for frequency and intensity of sexual relations. If you are not interested in sex because something in the relationship is wrong, try counseling. If the desire killer is not a relationship issue, it may be a medical problem. Try and get the medical problem corrected. Under proper medical supervision, precursors of testosterone like DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone) or low dose of testosterone in the form of creams, pill, patch or drops, has helped countless individuals begin to feel some fire for sex in their relationship. Many Nutraceuticals combine L Arginine with Ginseng, Gingko Biloba, and Fenugreek in saponised form with minerals like Zinc and Magnesium to prove very promising. Regular exercise, 7-8 hours of good quality sleep every day, not having excess fat tissue, eliminating chronic stress, and having a good diet rich in zinc, are all natural ways to increase testosterone.
Lastly, it is important to separate desire problems from relationship problems. Being supportive and trust is a fundamental building block in a relationship; however, it is important to have trust in oneself. By building a basic level of trust within oneself, one can begin to experience more satisfying and emotionally close relationships. Be honest about the root of the problem. People usually blame sexual disinterest on being “tired” or “stressed,” which often isn’t the full story. Adjust your expectations, older couples, in particular. Do something new and fun outside the bedroom, be it hiking or viewing an art gallery, watching a play, yoga, dance, meditation etc, which can make you feel closer and pull you back in the mood. Instead of saying “no,” say when. Telling a partner, “Not now, but after dinner,” or let’s not do it today, but let’s hold each other and sleep together, is received much better than a flat-out rejection.
It’s not just about different sex drives, but a complete lack of empathy about being in the other person’s shoes that causes problems. Couples could save themselves grief if they discuss expectations for sex as they plan their lives together, just as they discuss values around children and finances. But people mistakenly believe that sex is something that should naturally fall into place. Sex is not a personal decision, it’s an interpersonal decision. And, like everything else, low desire, has to be looked at as something that’s nurtured and can be managed. One must understand that less sex doesn’t necessarily mean less love.
Dr Jumani is an MBBS(Bom), FIAMS, ACS(USA), Ph D. He is also a Diplomate American Board Certified Clinical Sexologist and Sexual Health Physician and Counsellor attached to Mumbai Police. You can contact him at deepak.jumani@gmail.com
