Louis’ story: Why did I blame myself after I was raped?

2016-08-01

My name’s Louis. Louis who was the first openly gay School Captain of my Catholic high school, I was voted upon graduation ‘Most likely to be rich and famous’. I’m Louis from the large, loving family who’ve always supported me. I’m Louis who on a whim travelled on my own to Bali for my first trip overseas for a month to teach English to children in Ubud. I’m Louis who’s been asked the question “How do you smile so much, all the time?” more times than I could count.

I’m Louis, a victim of rape.

Soon I’ll have my final checkup back at the clinic, giving one third and final verification that I don’t have HIV. I have to say at 20 that’s not a sentence I ever thought I would have to say or write or even think, none of this is really. There’s been a lot of that though so far, a lot that I hadn’t previously fathomed would ever become a part of my story.

I’ll never forget walking out of the sexual health clinic past the waiting room and seeing at least six solemn faces of mostly young, clearly homosexual men and suddenly witnessing the reality of a side of our community that I was always aware of but never thought applied to me.

I’ll never forget sitting on a park bench the next day and calling my mother. It was getting dark, I was looking at the traffic lights and the cars passing through them nearby when I tried but couldn’t bring myself to actually say the words out loud.

I’ll never forget hearing her say to me: “You were raped.”

I’ll never forget the look on my sister-in-law’s face when two weeks later she was picking me up from the kitchen floor when I was crying uncontrollably. I don’t remember beginning to cry, I just remember washing dishes and the next moment there she was with her arms around me sitting on the tiles.

I’ll never forget the first night I spent alone in the house after it had happened and the quiet sense of terror that I ignored until sunrise, but that no matter how much Gwen Stefani I played I inevitably couldn’t escape.

I’ll never forget feeling like a piece of me had been taken. That I had become less complete than I was before.

The words “You didn’t deserve this” are ones that I’ve now come to know quite well, and honestly while with everything I know and everything I’ve learned through this experience tells me that these words are of course truth, these are still words I struggle with.

Ultimately I’m a very lucky human being, I’ve lived a life of opportunity, have travelled and have people who I love ready to support me, as I would for them all around me. I made a series of decisions the night it happened that lead me to the single most traumatic event of my entire life. A series of decisions that really aren’t that uncommon for a lot of people my age, but a series of decisions that ultimately I’ve paid for.

Again though, I continue to be lucky, if there’s anything that I’ve come to realise through all of this it’s that one night of seemingly standard, alcohol-infused behaviour could ultimately be the difference between life and death. I am still alive, I’m now physically unharmed and I’ve been able to go on with my life. There are many people who sadly haven’t had this luxury, have been or continue to be violently assaulted and have had a lot more taken from them than their dignity.

So before I write anything more, I want to be clear that I am grateful to be here and don’t for a second forget that this all could have been much, much worse.

For me it’s all a very familiar tale, picked a guy up in a bar, went back to his without really knowing where I was and things became progressively darker from there. What could have been a funny one night stand story just happened to end up being an ongoing source of many sleepless nights. The details themselves are still quite painful and on a lot of levels extremely humiliating to share but essentially I was in the wrong place with the wrong person, in the wrong state of mind and the word ‘no’ was repeatedly ignored until all 170 centimetres, 62 kilograms of me was left without a choice and I was overpowered.

48 hours later I was sitting across from a nurse who has now reserved a place in my memory as one of the most incredible, personable and funny people I’ve ever met, with tears running down my face I said words that have haunted me since the moment they crept into my mind and out of my mouth,

“I hate that I let myself become a stereotype. I’m just another statistic.”

This is a concept I’ve had to come to terms with before this point. I’m a relatively slim built, feminine gay man who’s been dying his hair since he was 14 and cried far more than any person should when I saw Lana Del Rey live for the first time in concert. I have always said if I could be more masculine then believe me I would have figured out how to do so effectively a long time ago but the reality is I could walk into a room and fifty metres away I have no doubt a blind man could lean over to the guy next to him and say, “I know which team he bats for.”

I’ve always been an advocate for being proud of who you are, stereotype or not, but it was sitting in that sterilised room that screamed of a hospital scene in Days of our Lives, with a stack of papers piled in front of me that had my name and the words ‘SEXUAL ASSAULT CASE’ right next to each other that I felt ashamed. I felt like I was every cautionary tale from that spurts from the hateful mouth of every bigot you see in modern day media. I felt like I had let my community down, that through my own choices I had contributed to archaic imagery that has so damaged the LGBT community of promiscuity, a dancefloor and liquor.

In those moments I felt ashamed and disgusted in myself not only because of what, at the time, I felt like I had invited to happen to me, but because I have always advocated that I want to live a life that is mine, my own choices, my own dreams. This meant that if I was happy but my characteristics or way of speaking were considered stereotypical without my trying to then so be it, but it had never been my intention to live in a way where I allowed myself to become a stereotype that continued to feed into negative and generalised misconceptions. I was raised by people who are open-minded and loving and good, I had a blessed childhood full of memories that still put me in tears of laughter, even now in early adulthood as my parents are divorced they are respectful and genuinely good to one another and all my siblings and I love my stepfather.

Sitting in that hospital, I felt like none of that mattered anymore because I was just another statistic. Everything I had ever worked for as Louis, as an individual, all the aspects of my life that had nothing to do with my sexuality were all suddenly moot because I had let myself become another number that lobby groups could use in their studies or promiscuity and sexual abuse amongst gay men.

Basically I felt like I had let myself down, I had let my family down and I had let my community down.

Today, months later, in the late hours of a particularly dark day of mine wherein I struggled yet again with my sense of self-worth to the point where I even went as far as questioning those closest to me as to why and how they could love me I want to say for myself, and potentially to others if this ever gets read:

I was wrong. Wrong to feel like I let the community down. Wrong to blame myself.

It was my mother’s words this evening that are the latest to resonate with me, I was crying and blaming myself again for my share in the whole affair and she said to me:

“Are you kidding me? If this was one of your sisters would you tell her it was her fault? Would you let others tell her that?”

And she’s right. No matter what the circumstances were leading to it, no matter the choices made by her, if anyone did to any of my sisters what was done to me I would never for a second tell them it was their fault, because if you say no, whether it’s verbal, or it’s with your actions, black and white, plain and simple:

It is not your fault.

This then got me thinking about how I would respond if one of my friends, or a partner told me this had happened to them, how I would then respond, and then comparing how all of these people have reacted when I’ve shared with them my story.

In my fear of being another statistic that casts a negative shadow over the LGBT community I completely forget what really I should have been focusing on to help get me through and that is what our community is built on.

Love.

The ongoing battle for rights within the LGBT community, especially in Australia is still being fought and still prevalent within society because we are a people that fight together, fight for one another, we support each other’s rights to love and to live as freely and openly as anyone else. It’s a community that celebrates difference and diversity and embraces all of those who embrace the cause of open mindedness and freedom. Every person I know who is a part of our community or in support of our community that I’ve spoken to about my incident has met me with support, with understanding, without judgement, even in moments I’ve felt that I deserved it.

I am more than a statistic, and if you’re reading this and you’ve been through anything like I have then I want you to know that you are more than a statistic too.

I’m not done healing yet, there is definitely still work to be done. I’m seeking counselling because I feel as though I’m ready to really talk about it and face what I need to, to build a positive future. I’m writing this, not because I’m looking for attention, or because I think I have unheard of insight into the issue but because I think that sharing about such an issue is maybe an important step within all those dealing with something like this to know that it is OK to share within our community and that you will be met with more love and acceptance than judgement.

I’m not a finished story and that’s exactly why I wanted to write this, because sometimes it’s not about reflecting on something when it’s a part of your past, but instead it’s about living it and sharing it as best you can while it’s happening.

You are still you. You’re more than your choices, and you’re definitely, completely, certainly more than someone else’s. We as members of the LGBT community are fighting as a collective but we are still individuals with varying hardships and specific circumstances that we may battle with on our own but know that when it comes to sexual assault you don’t have to battle alone.

There is support, there is care, there are people you can speak to, people who will listen.

There are people who exist who disgustingly and unfortunately will take what they want in life without considering the consequences or ongoing ramifications of their actions, but these are not the only people in the world, not by a long shot, and these are not the people who anyone should let define their sense of self-worth.

I am still Louis. The Louis who spent most of today crying, but also the Louis who is taking another volunteer trip to South East Asia early next year to teach more English. I’m still Louis who gets emotionally involved in Agatha Christie novels and still doesn’t quite get the hype with Game of Thrones (sorry).

I’m Louis with work to be done, with some love in myself still yet to be rediscovered but I am still me.

Not a statistic, not a stereotype, I’m a part of a community where love and acceptance is the foundation and reminding ourselves of this is important.

I am a victim but I am so much more: I am me.

Special dermatologic needs for men who have sex with men

2016-07-29

Inside the world of male sex workers

The well-dressed father of two earns good money. He speaks English and works for an international NGO that combats HIV/AIDS. He used to be a sex worker, a man who has sex with other men, and then became a government informer, reporting back to the police on other sex workers who were then arrested. He resorted to drink and drugs because of his shame and isolation. And now he wants to talk about it.

The root cause of all his problems, says Ko Kyaw Zayyar Swe, 38, is poverty. He was forced out of school at 15 because his soldier father could not afford the tuition fees. He worked as a waiter at a Chinese restaurant, but the owner cut his already low wages after giving him a dumpling for lunch instead of money. He quit.

Because he never made it to 10th standard, he could not find a good job, and money was always short. When he married at the age of 17, making ends meet became almost impossible.

“I was working in a shop in Bogyoke Market. One day, two foreigners I’d seen before in the market bought me jeans and shirts. Nobody had ever given me anything before,” he said.

The men invited him for drinks, then brought him back to their hotel room and asked for sex.

“I was shocked. But I needed money urgently for my family so I agreed to do it,” he said.

More contacts were made, and more money came in. He became a regular sex worker, offering services for gay men. Since foreigners paid much better than local men, Ko Kyaw Zayyar Swe decided to learn English.

He came to know many other male sex-workers like himself, working around Bogyoke and Theingyi Zay markets and Sule Pagoda Road, and even further afield.

In 2003 he was arrested under a law banning “inappropriate” sex, along with a friend and two foreigners, and spent two-and-a-half years in Insein Prison. The law is also used against transgender people.

This was the first time his parents and his wife became aware of his secret life.

When he was released, the Ministry of Home Affairs asked him to turn informer against the male prostitutes of Yangon. As his friends went to prison, he got paid. “I received K10,000 a day for some years. That was a lot of money. I didn’t want to destroy other people’s lives because I knew what it was like to be in that position. In the end, I stopped informing and went back to being a sex worker myself,” he said.

All the other sex workers did what they did because they were poor, he said, and saw no other way out. “We didn’t dream of this profession. But with no education and no work but odd jobs, how can you support a family? We didn’t want to be rich. We just wanted enough to get by for a family life.”

Conditions for sex workers changed with the advance of the internet. Now they don’t have to hang around on the street, but make contact online through dedicated websites. At one time, you could see up to 50 sex workers around the markets at night, chatting to customers. There is a thriving market for male sex-workers among gay men, with more male than female customers.

Though the money is the best they have ever made, male sex-workers feel disgusted, lonely and depressed. They feel nobody stands up for their rights, and everybody looks down on them.

“This way of life makes us angry. We can’t share our feelings with family or friends. It’s a big problem for society too,” said Ko Kyaw Zayyar Swe.

Many drink to forget, he said, and then go on to take drugs.

One day, a man from Bangladesh involved in promoting health awareness for male sex-workers asked him to take a part-time job at his NGO, which was gathering information about prostitution and developing training programs for public health professionals.

Ko Kyaw Zayyar Swe said sex workers needed both physical and mental support, as well as job opportunities, to be provided by the government, NGOs and INGOs.

“I never even knew how to use a condom with customers. Luckily, I didn’t get HIV. Knowledge is very important and we need that,” he said, adding that courses in leadership skills, empowerment and capacity building would also help to raise self-confidence.

Dr Aung Myo Min, director of Equality Myanmar Human Rights Group, said male sex workers were hard to reach because they isolated themselves. Too much isolation, he warned, could turn them into drug addicts, or even susceptible to becoming terrorists.

“They are ashamed of what they do. They only do it for the money. Even within the group, there are problems of competition for customers,” he said.

They are not even particularly high-profile. Most of the small counselling groups set up by NGOs in Myanmar for HIV and health awareness cater to female and transgender prostitutes because most of them suffer exploitation, discrimination and even torture. Male sex-workers are seen as being in the profession mainly for the money.

“Even their customers can find them difficult to deal with because of their lack of self-esteem and feelings of indignity. There has to be a way of allowing them to change their profession,” said Dr Aung Myo Min.

A doctor who provides health support for people living with HIV and AIDS said male sex-workers are particularly difficult to contact. “Both sex-workers and customers have to be aware of sexual health issues. Now there are many drop-in centres, including day-care centres for HIV-positive patients, where they can express their feelings and receive support,” said the doctor.

According to 2013 figures from the UN agency UNAIDS, there are an estimated 70,000 sex workers in Myanmar. About 8 percent of them are living with HIV.

Foreplay Techniques She’ll Crave

2016-07-25

Men are ready at the flip of a switch. Women however take some time to get in the mood both physically and psychologically. As a guy it’s your job to warm up her engine. Foreplay isn’t always easy. It takes time, patience and forethought to pull off right. Of course it all depends on what mood she’s in, what she’s doing, if it’s a good time. Women are complicated. What you need to do is strike at the right time. Not when she’s first come in the door from work, but after supper, say when you’re getting cozy on the couch. But that’s not enough. You also need the right approach. Here are some foreplay techniques that she will crave, upping your chances of success, and making it a wild ride. Remember how hot it was to make out on the couch as teenagers? Why does that have to end? Don’t try to take her clothes off just yet. Don’t let the pressure of sex weigh on her. Instead take some time. Tease her and let her feel how excited she makes you. What really turns a woman on is being desired. If you can make her feel how much you want her, she’ll want you back. Keep ramping it up and she’ll want you so bad.

Why not sext with her earlier in the day? Don’t outline every detail. Instead, add in a little mystery. Let her imagination start to work. Remember that some women don’t like it if you are too graphic. Err on the side of subtlety. The mind is where it all begins. So if you can, get her all riled up before she even gets home, if she’s turned on when she comes to see you, half the battle is already won. And who doesn’t like it when a turned on female shows up at your door? If you are out and about together, do secret naughty things to her. That will get her so turned on. Slip your hand up her shirt when sitting in a darkened theater. Work your hand up her thigh at the coffee house. Play footsie under the table when out at the bar with friends. Pull her into darkened corners and kiss her passionately. When you’re at a show or concert, slip your hand down her pants and play with her a little. Chances are you’ll be driving to a secluded spot or jumping right in the back seat because neither one of you can wait until you get home. The number one rule in foreplay is to take your time. Think of foreplay as enjoying the courses to a fine meal. Don’t rush through the appetizer and main course just to get to dessert. Savor each and every course. She’ll be quivering in your arms if you are passionately touching and kissing her all over. With dirty talk, remember a little goes a long way. Compliment her then say something naughty in a low and sexy tone. Whisper it breathlessly in her ear and she’ll be all over you.

Drinks that Increase or Dampen your Sex Drive

When it comes time to order a drink, do you ever consider your sex life in the decision? Most men don’t. But what’s in your cup may be ramping up your libido or killing it. Lots of times when we have a drink, we never even consider how it will affect our sex drive. But believe it or not, what’s filling your glass may give you a boost or hinder your desire, even your ability to perform. Here are some drinks that increase your sex drive and others that dampen it. A lot of guys use booze to loosen up, shake off the jitters and get into the mood. But in fact, it can have the opposite effect, making you too sluggish to “get-it-on.” One or two drinks might be okay, but any more than that and you are risking a night of celibacy. For those who have functioning issues, perhaps skip the alcohol altogether. Whatever you do, don’t have a gin and tonic. Quinine, the active ingredient in tonic, was shown to lower testosterone in one German study.

The cooler months bring with them a delicious treat, apple cider. Try it warm with some cinnamon and cloves. Cinnamon is a proven libido booster for men, and cloves give the reproductive system an overall boost. Some guys are soda guys. No matter where they go, they always order a cola. But all of that sugar isn’t good for your waistline. Extra body fat sucks up testosterone, lowering your sex drive and functionality. For those who opt for diet soda, look out for the artificial sweetener, aspartame. This has been proven to lower sex drive. Why not sweeten some lemon seltzer or fresh iced tea with honey instead? Honey aids in the production of testosterone and so helps stoke the fires of desire. Try honey in ginseng tea. Ginseng was shown in one South Korean study to go so far as to reverse ED. Now that you know, you can select a beverage that will get your engine running, instead of having one that revs but never starts.

Worried About ED? Look at Your Diet

2016-07-21

Lots of things can cause erectile dysfunction. But the most common is the onset of heart disease. In this case, ED is generally brought on by a poor diet and lack of exercise. Foods high in fat, sugar, and cholesterol add to the buildup of plaque on artery walls.

Since the arteries that supply the penis with blood and create an erection are much smaller than those in other parts of the body, they tend to clog up first, which is why physicians count ED as an early symptom to a more pressing problem. If left unchecked, it could lead to a heart attack or stroke. Too much sugar in the diet, along with a lack of exercise and being obese, can also lead to type 2 diabetes. If left uncontrolled, the elevated sugar level can damage nerves and tissues, including the nerves which cause an erection. So diet can lead to ED in that sense as well.

Obesity may also cause a lack of testosterone. This is a crucial hormone for the sex drive and erection formation. Fat cells trap testosterone. But the body does not make more, thinking that there is enough in the system. In this way, a high fat diet can also affect male fertility, as a certain level of testosterone is required for proper sperm production. One’s diet should consist mostly of fruits and vegetables.

When you look at your plate, two-thirds of it should be from produce. Lean proteins such as chicken or fish, and whole grains are also important, and should make up the other third. Red meat and high fat or high caloric foods can be eaten occasionally, red meat just once per week. But the majority of one’s diet should be healthful. With the right diet and cardiovascular exercise, most of the time, ED can be avoided. If you are already experiencing the condition, be sure to talk to a doctor or urologist. A serious medical condition could be causing it. Take heart. There are also many treatment options. One is sure to help you.

Why overweight men make better lovers: Experts reveal 9 secrets that may improve your luck with the opposite sex

2016-07-13

Viagra has transformed the treatment of sexual dysfunction and spawned new drugs to boost men’s flagging love lives. 

Now scientists have developed a Viagra skin patch that could trigger a faster response than the little blue pill and reduce side-effects such as indigestion.

But Viagra-like medicines aren’t the only way to perk up your sex life. Scientists have recently uncovered some highly effective — and surprising — ways to boost attraction and performance.

CHOOSE FRIENDS WHO ARE MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN YOU

Most men worry their partner secretly fancies a more handsome friend. But recent research suggests competition from another male can increase a man’s production of testosterone.

And higher testosterone levels trigger arousal in women when they smell them in androstenol, a chemical called a pheromone secreted in men’s sweat.

In a study at the University of California in 2014, men viewed pictures of other men while next to their female partner as researchers took before and after blood samples to measure testosterone levels.

The results, published in the journal Hormonal Behaviour, showed testosterone increased when they perceived men as a potential sexual rival (because of their handsome features or athletic build), but changed little if they did not feel threatened.

This response was strongest when women were ovulating and most likely to be in the mood (men pick up clues to this through a subtle change in body odour and a slight increase in her voice pitch).

As Dr Arthur Cassidy, a psychologist who specialises in sex therapy, explains: ‘There is extensive research showing pheromones play a crucial role in attraction.’

WHAT IT MEANS WHEN SHE’S WEARING RED

In 2013, University of British Columbia researchers found women often wear red or pink when they are most fertile, similar to the way females in the animal kingdom display red or pink body parts to signal their fertility.

The researchers tracked 124 women through their menstrual cycles and found those at peak fertility — and, therefore, most likely to feel in the mood — are three times more likely to don a red top than those at low fertility.

Researchers at Glasgow University also found that women’s faces flush more during ovulation because high levels of the hormone oestradiol — which boosts fertility — also dilates blood vessels near the skin’s surface.

Ovulation starts roughly a week after the beginning of a woman’s period and this is when she is most likely to be receptive to sexual advances.

Male Health Update: Soft Drinks May Give You Soft Penis

Male health update! Men who love drinking soda or soft drinks may be at risk of having “soft penises” and lower sperm count. Researchers found that excessive soda consumption can cause erectile dysfunction and reduce sperm count by as much as thirty percent.

This important male health update came from studies showing how drinking too much soda may promote poor sexual health in men. Researchers said there is a high chance some men suffering erectile dysfunction consumed too much soda in their past.

A new study suggests reasons why some men have soft penises potentially due to drinking too much soda. Researchers said erectile dysfunction occurs when high sugar intake causes fat to fill some blood vessels in the penis.

The condition would then block blood flow, making it harder to get an erection.

More Soda, Lower Sperm Count

Another study conducted by researchers at Copenhagen University Hospital shows soda addicts had lower sperm count than those with poor consumption of soda. Excessive soda drinking reduced the sperm count of some men into an average of 35 million per liter.

Researchers found non-soda addicts had an average of 56 million sperm per liter. The findings come from the analysis of the conditions of nearly 2,500 men.

However, researchers noted further studies are needed to see how soft drinks directly affect sperm numbers. They added caffeine has been found not causing any effect on men’s sexual function.

Read more: http://www.healthaim.com/male-health-update-soft-drinks-may-give-soft-penis/60739#ixzz4EGGUIihG

10 facts you need to know about your sexual health

Dr Aisling Loy, consultant in genito-urinary medicine at the GUIDE Clinic in St James’s Hospital, tells us all we need to know about keeping downstairs in tip-top shape