Marital Disagreements & Wives

2014-07-03

New Study: It Matters More For Wives To Calm Down After An Argument Than Husbands

Have you had the ‘sext’ talk with your kids?

2014-07-02

Husbands, If You Want a Good Night’s Sleep Make Sure Your Wife Is Happy

2014-06-06

Stephanie Burnett @@stephy_burnett

A new study finds that sleep-wake schedules are more synchronized when a wife is content

A happier wife may bring better sleep for husbands.

According to the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, married couples are more likely to sleep in sync when a wife is more satisfied with her marriage.

The study indicates that partners who sleep in the same bed are awake, or asleep, at the same time for 75 percent of the time – but it also suggests that the percentage is higher if the wife has a higher level of marital satisfaction.

“Most of what is known about sleep comes from studying it at the individual level; however, for most adults, sleep is a shared behavior between bed partners,” said Heather Gunn, lead author of the study.

“This suggests that our sleep patterns are regulated not only by when we sleep, but also by with whom we sleep.”

What Women Find Attractive

2014-05-13

Is it a charming personality, a razor wit, a six figure salary, or six pack abs that call the ladies to you? Since the dawn of time men have been trying to figure out what women really find attractive. Now with the help of New York relationship specialist Irina Firstein, LCSW the mystery will finally be solved (knowmore.tv). First, a woman wants to feel safe with her man. She wants to feel supported. Her desire to feel protected by him comes from our Stone Age ancestors. But if she feels like she’s holding him up instead of the other way around, it’s a major turn-off. Most women desire someone who is taller than her and fit physically, to fulfill her need to be protected, to feel safe and cared for. If you aren’t so fit, perhaps make an effort to eat right, fit an exercise regimen into your weekly routine and show her that you want to be around to take care of her. Next, women are generally attracted to success. It’s due to the fact that historically speaking men were the providers. You don’t need to be a vice president in a company or have a tremendous stock portfolio however. It’s true that money and success are attractive to women. But being passionate, having a goal and working toward that goal is just as attractive, provided you communicate these to her and let her feel your commitment and drive.

Women love to talk, that’s no surprise. But our culture actually acculturates men to be the strong, silent type. This is the exact opposite of what a woman wants. Women like guys who truly listen to them, give feedback, sympathize and support them emotionally. One of the most attractive things a guy can do is really listen and validate how she is feeling. One of the things guys have a hard time understanding is when it’s time to give advice and when it is time to merely listen and validate. The best way to do this is to always listen, validate her feelings than ask if she wants any advice. Don’t paper over her emotions with male logic or you will put distance between the two of you. Women love social butterflies. If you have a lot of friends or know how to work a room you will draw them in. Be charming, funny and witty. Many a lady has been charmed into bed by a few well-placed jokes. Be chivalrous and respectful. Open the door for her. Put your hand on the small of her back and lead her into or out of a restaurant. She will notice and it will send electric currents of love straight to her heart. Lastly, women want to be desired. Show her how much you want her and care for her. Woo her. Do things for her. Write her love letters, send her flowers for no reason, and surprise her. Follow this advice and the apple of your eye will soon be part of your ambrosia of love.

Stop Obsessing Over Finding The Perfect Partner

Alexandra Sifferlin

When it comes to relationships, we disagree over who makes the ideal mate Evolution tells it straight: Some people make more desirable partners than others. Current theories on mate value go a little like this: People who have it all, including good looks and status, can land a partner who also has it all. The people who don’t, well, they’re going to have to settle.But new research published in theJournal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests what anyone who’s fallen for a pretty face knows: finding the ideal partner for you is much more complicated. In fact, the more we get to know someone, the more our opinion of their desirability changes.

To reach these findings, the researchers at the University of Texas at Austin conducted three studies in which they asked participants to rate a group of people for their perceived value. Some of the factors were basic, like how attractive they are, or how outgoing. Other factors went deeper, with participants ranking whether a person seemed likely to be a good, committed partner.

In the first study, participants rated people they’d never met; in the second study they rated people they’d known for a few months; and in the third study they rated people they had known for at least three years. When people ranked individuals they didn’t know, people tended to agree on who was a catch and who wasn’t—it came down to superficial markers like good looks and likability. But researchers also found that as people got to know each other, perceptions changed and people tended to disagree about who seemed like a good partner and who didn’t.

“[As we spend more time with someone] we stop agreeing on how desirable or undesirable they are,” says study author Dr. Paul W. Eastwick, an assistant professor in the department of human development and family sciences. “We start to have very idiosyncratic opinions of one another.” The findings show that who we ultimately determine to be an ideal mate is unique, and we can greatly differ in our opinions of who is attractive, intelligent, popular, and who would make a good relationship partner.

So when it comes down to it, sure: At “hello,” some people have a leg up on others. But once someone is a known quantity, their desirability isn’t so clear-cut: Attractiveness and social status give way to compatibility and how suitable someone is for an actual relationship. “These findings are a good thing if people don’t care about getting the [conventionally ideal] mate, but care about finding the mate that is good and compatible for them,” says Eastwick.

Why hitting 50 has never been more fun

2014-04-09

Apparently, we all now want to charge over the top into our 50s – and no wonder

By Judith Woods

Left-Handed People Have Better Sex, Study Finds

2014-04-04

Samantha Grossman @sam_grossman

We foresee a line of “Lefties do it better” t-shirts debuting soon

Life can be pretty tough for left-handed people. For example, they can’t use those those university classroomdesks and they struggle with everyday devices like can openers.

Apparently, though, left-handed people ultimately prevail over their right-handed counterparts because they have better sex.

According to a recent survey, lefties are 71% more satisfied in the sack than righties.

Of the 10,000 people surveyed, 86% of left-handed people reported being “Extremely Satisfied” with their sex lives, compared to just 15% of righties. Just 15%! Too bad, so sad.

It’s hard to say exactly why lefties are more fulfilled, but we assume it’s because while righties are off doing things that are engineered for righties — like using desks or playing video games or opening cans — lefties are off perfecting other skills.

When Popularity Backfires: Climbing the Social Ladder Can Lead to Bullying

2014-04-03

Alice Park

Kids who gain the most status middle and high school are targets of a lesser-known pattern of aggression

There are certain truths that we have come to accept about the social hierarchy in middle and high schools – the popular kids rule the halls, while the less conventional ones, who dress, think or act differently, are marginalized at the bottom. And indeed, studies have documented how most of the victims of bullying are those who occupy the lower rungs of the social ladder — in 2011, nearly 30% of students aged 12 years to 18 years reported being bullied, either in school or via the internet, according to the National Center for Education Statistics.

But a new study suggests that social outcasts aren’t the only targets of bullying and aggression, and that increasing one’s social status can lead to being ostracized, teased, and threatened. “This second pattern of aggression is among kids who are relatively popular targeting their rivals, and this tends to escalate until they climb to the very top rung of the social ladder,” says Robert Faris, associate professor of sociology at the University of California Davis.

Faris was interested in understanding bullying at a deeper level, to identify “hotspots” of conflict and aggression in school-based hierarchies. He and his colleague Diane Felmlee, professor of sociology at Pennsylvania State University, investigated whether there were other reasons for students’ aggression toward one another, such as using it as a tool for social climbing.

Their results, published in American Sociological Review, suggest that kids get bullied not only when they don’t fit in, but also when they are simply trying to avoid being victims by moving up the social ladder. “As social status increases, the involvement in aggression–both as perpetrator and now as victims–also tends to go up until they get to the very top, when things start to reverse,” says Faris.

To detect this phenomenon, Faris and his co-author Diane Felmlee, professor of sociology at Pennsylvania State University, studied more than 4,200 students in eighth, ninth, and tenth grades during the 2004 to 2005 school year. In the fall, at the beginning of school year, they asked the students to record their five closest friendships. With that information, the researchers created a social map resembling a bird’s nest. Those with the shortest paths to the most students were given higher ranks on the social status scale. This exercise was repeated in the spring of the same academic year so Faris could compare changes in status against students’ reports of being victimized, which included verbal insults, physical aggression, being the target of damaging rumors, and continued and relentless harassment.

For both boys and girls who began the school year in the 50thpercentile, for example, but moved to the 95th percentile, the chances that they were targeted for some type of aggression increased by 25% compared to those who remained in the 50th percentile.

The students also answered questions about their anxiety, depression, anger, attachment to the school, and how socially central they felt in the school network. Not only were the socially mobile and relatively more popular students victimized more than the socially stable teens, they were also more sensitive to the effects of bullying. They reported higher rates of anxiety, depression, and anger, and lower rates of feeling central to their social group. Faris suspects that may result from the fact that these students have invested more time and self-esteem in their social status, and feel they have more to lose if they are ostracized.

Girls were disproportionately the target of this alternate type of bullying. The highest rates of such aggression occurred between girls, and boys were also more likely to target girls who were moving up socially than boys who were doing the same.

“One of the things we hope to call attention to is the group of people whom we don’t often think of as being bullied,” says Faris. While much of the aggression may not fit the classic definition of bullying, the verbal taunting and the ostracizing, both in the real world and online through social media, can have devastating consequences. And understanding that its victims may not always fit the commonly accepted criteria of outcasts who don’t fulfill social norms can lead to more effective ways of recognizing and even reducing bullying behavior – of all types – in schools.

How to Raise Happy Kids: 10 Steps Backed by Science

2014-03-31

Eric Barker-When you ask parents what they want for their kids, what’s usually the most common reply? They want their children to be happy.

…the well-being of children is more important to adults than just about anything else–health care, the well-being of seniors, the cost of living, terrorism, and the war in Iraq. More than two-thirds of adults say they are “extremely concerned” about the well-being of children, and this concern cuts across gender, income, ethnicity, age, and political affiliation.

Now there’s tons of info on raising smart kidsand successful kids, but how do you raise happykids?

Sometimes it’s hard to balance what’s best for children with what makes them happy — but the two don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

Happier kids are more likely to turn into successful, accomplished adults.

…happiness is a tremendous advantage in a world that emphasizes performance. On average, happy people are more successful than unhappy people at both work and love. They get better performance reviews, have more prestigious jobs, and earn higher salaries. They are more likely to get married, and once married, they are more satisfied with their marriage.

So looking at the science, what really works when it comes to raising happy kids?

Step 1: Get Happy Yourself

The first step to happier kids is, ironically, a little bit selfish.

How happy you are affects how happy and successful your kids are — dramatically.

Extensive research has established a substantial link between mothers who feel depressed and “negative outcomes” in their children, such as acting out and other behavior problems. Parental depression actually seems to cause behavioral problems in kids; it also makes our parenting less effective.

And this is not merely due to genetics.

…although the study did find that happy parents are statistically more likely to have happy children, it couldn’t find any genetic component.

So what’s the first step to being a happier you? Take some time each week to have fun with friends.

Because laughter is contagious, hang out with friends or family members who are likely to be laughing themselves. Their laughter will get you laughing too, although it doesn’t even need to in order to lighten your mood. Neuroscientists believe that hearing another person laugh triggers mirror neurons in a region of the brain that makes listeners feel as though they are actually laughing themselves.

Step 2: Teach Them To Build Relationships

Nobody denies learning about relationships is important — but how many parents actually spend the time to teach kids how to relate to others?

(Just saying “Hey, knock it off” when kids don’t get along really doesn’t go far in building essential people skills.)

It doesn’t take a lot. It can start with encouraging kids to perform small acts of kindness to build empathy.

This not only builds essential skills and makes your kids better people, research shows over the long haul it makes them happier.

Multiple sclerosis (MS) patients who were trained to provide compassionate, unconditional positive regard for other MS sufferers through monthly fifteen-minute telephone calls “showed pronounced improvement in self-confidence, self-esteem, depression, and role functioning” over two years. These helpers were especially protected against depression and anxiety.

Step 3: Expect Effort, Not Perfection

Note to perfectionist helicopter parents and Tiger Moms: cool it.

Relentlessly banging the achievement drum messes kids up.

Parents who overemphasize achievement are more likely to have kids with high levels of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse compared to other kids.

The research is very consistent: Praise effort, not natural ability.

The majority of the kids praised for their intelligence wanted the easier puzzle; they weren’t going to risk making a mistake and losing their status as “smart.” On the other hand, more than 90 percent of growth mind-set-encouraged kids chose a harder puzzle.

Why? Dweck explains: “When we praise children for the effort and hard work that leads to achievement, they want to keep engaging in that process. They are not diverted from the task of learning by a concern with how smart they might — or might not — look.”

Step 4: Teach Optimism

Want to avoid dealing with a surly teenager? Then teach those pre-teens to look on the bright side.

Ten-year-olds who are taught how to think and interpret the world optimistically are half as prone to depression when they later go through puberty.

Author Christine Carter puts it simply: “Optimism is so closely related to happiness that the two can practically be equated.”

She compares optimists to pessimists and finds optimists:

1. Are more successful at school, work and athletics
2. Are healthier and live longer
3. End up more satisfied with their marriages
4. Are less likely to deal with depression and anxiety

Step 5: Teach Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is a skill, not an inborn trait.

Thinking kids will just “naturally” come to understand their own emotions (let alone those of others) doesn’t set them up for success.

A simple first step here is to “Empathize, Label and Validate” when they’re struggling with anger or frustration.

Molly: “I am SO SO SO MAD AT YOU.”

Me: “You are mad at me, very mad at me. Tell me about that. Are you also feeling disappointed because I won’t let you have a playdate right now?”

Molly: “YES!! I want to have a playdate right NOW.”

Me: “You seem sad.” (Crawling into my lap, Molly whimpers a little and rests her head on my shoulder.)

Relate to the child, help them identify what they are feeling and let them know that those feelings are okay (even though bad behavior might not be).

Step 6: Form Happiness Habits

We’re on step 6 and it might seem like this is already a lot to remember for you — let alone for a child. We can overcome that withgood habits.

Thinking through these methods is taxing but acting habitually is easy, once habits have been established.

How do you help kids build lasting happiness habits? Carter explains a few powerful methods backed by research:

1. Stimulus removal: Get distractions and temptations out of the way.
2. Make It Public: Establish goals to increase social support — and social pressure.
3. One Goal At A Time: Too many goals overwhelms willpower, especially for kids. Solidify one habit before adding another.
4. Keep At It: Don’t expect perfection immediately. It takes time. There will be relapses. That’s normal. Keep reinforcing.

Step 7: Teach Self-Discipline

Self-discipline in kids is more predictive of future success than intelligence — or most anything else, for that matter.

Yes, it’s that famous marshmallow test all over again. Kids who better resisted temptation went on to much better lives years later and were happier.

…preschoolers’ ability to delay gratification–to wait for that second marshmallow–predicts intelligence, school success, and social skills in adolescence. This is at least in part because self-discipline facilitates learning and information processing. In addition, self-disciplined kids cope better with frustration and stress and tend to have a greater sense of social responsibility. In other words, self-discipline leads not just to school success and sitting nicely at the dinner table but to greater happiness, more friends and increased community engagement.

What’s a good way to start teaching self-discipline? Help kids learn to distract themselves from temptation.

One way to do it is to obscure the temptation–to physically cover up the tempting marshmallow. When a reward is covered up, 75 percent of kids in one study were able to wait a full fifteen minutes for the second marshmallow; none of the kids was able to wait this long when the reward was visible.

Step 8: More Playtime

We read a lot about mindfulness and meditation these days — and both are quite powerful.

Getting kids to do them regularly however can be quite a challenge. What works almost as well?

More playtime.

Most kids already practice mindfulness — fully enjoying the present moment — when they play. but kids today spend less time playing both indoors and out… All told, over the last two decades, children have lost eight hours per week of free, unstructured, and spontaneous play…

Playtime isn’t just goofing off. It’s essential to helping kids grow and learn.

Researchers believe that this dramatic drop in unstructured playtime is in part responsible for slowing kids cognitive and emotional development… In addition to helping kids learn to self-regulate, child-led, unstructured play (with or without adults) promoted intellectual, physical, social, and emotional well-being. Unstructured play helps children learn how to work in groups, to share, negotiate, resolve conflicts, regulate their emotions and behavior, and speak up for themselves.

No strict instructions are necessary here: Budget more time for your kids to just get outside and simply play.

Step 9: Rig Their Environment For Happiness

We don’t like to admit it, but we’re all very much influenced by our environment – often more than we realize.

Your efforts will be constrained by time and effort, while context affects us (and children) constantly.

What’s a simple way to better control a child’s surroundings and let your deliberate happiness efforts have maximum effect?

Less TV.

…research demonstrates a strong link between happiness and not watching television. Sociologists show that happier people tend to watch considerably less television than unhappy people. We don’t know whether TV makes people unhappy, or if already unhappy people watch more TV. But we do know that there are a lot of activities that will help our kids develop into happy, well-adjusted individuals. If our kids are watching TV, they aren’t doing those things that could be making them happier in the long run.

Step 10: Eat Dinner Together

Sometimes all science does is validate those things our grandparents knew all along. Yes, family dinner matters.

This simple tradition helps mold better kids and makes them happier too.

Studies show that kids who eat dinner with their families on a regular basis are more emotionally stable and less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. They got better grades. they have fewer depressive symptoms, particularly among adolescent girls. And they are less likely to become obese or have an eating disorder. Family dinners even trump reading to your kids in terms of preparing them for school. And these associations hold even after researchers control for family connectedness…

Sum Up

Here are the ten steps:

1. Get Happy Yourself
2. Teach Them To Build Relationships
3. Expect Effort, Not Perfection
4. Teach Optimism
5. Teach Emotional Intelligence
6. Form Happiness Habits
7. Teach Self-Discipline
8. More Playtime
9. Rig Their Environment For Happiness
10. Eat Dinner Together

We’re often more open to new methods when it comes to work and careers, but ignoring tips when it comes to family is a mistake.

The most important work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.

– Harold B. Lee

I hope this post helps your family be happier.