Why doesn’t your husband want to have sex?

2018-05-14

Men’s desire for sex can be as tricky as women’s, according to ­researchers at the University of Kentucky. Men often lose interest when they feel insecure, when they worry they are losing autonomy in a relationship, or when physical changes cause embarrassment. Pressure to be the ­initiator compounds the stress.

“We expect male desire to ­always be high and to be simple, like an on and off switch, while we expect women’s desire to be a complicated switchboard, but they are both complex,” says Kristen P. Mark, associate professor of health promotion and director of the Sexual Health Promotion Lab at the University of Kentucky and the lead researcher on the project, a broad look at men and women that analysed 64 studies on sexual ­desire conducted since the 1950s.

Psychologists say desire in both sexes ebbs and flows. And it’s ­natural for it to decline after the heady honeymoon period, which typi­cally lasts about 18 months to two years. Still, almost 80 per cent of married couples have sex a few times a month or more: 32 per cent reported having sex two to three times a week; 47 per cent ­reported having sex a few times a month, according to The Social ­Organisation of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States, a 1994 University of Chicago study considered the most comprehensive in the field.

Women do lose desire more often than men: research shows that about one in three women — regardless of age — reports a lack of interest in sex for at least several months in the past year, compared with one in five men, ­according to Edward Laumann, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago, who has studied sexual desire and dysfunction for 25 years. But experts say that men are often reluctant to talk about sexual troubles, so the problem may be more prevalent.

Mark’s research, published in March in the Journal of Sex ­Research, found that the reasons for a drop in desire generally fitted into three main categories — individual, interpersonal and societal. Some issues, such as stress, a drop in self-esteem or changes in their attraction to their partner, affect both men and women.

But men’s desire also wanes for different reasons. Men have ­trouble when they expect their ­desire to always remain high and it does not, or when they fail to make their relationship a priority. Sometimes men’s desire drops when a couple has sex for negative reasons — to avoid a fight, for example — rather than positive ones, such as to increase intimacy. Men also feel pressure to always be ready for sex and to initiate it.

There are often physical issues, as well. A man’s less-efficient bloodflow as he ages, diseases such as depression or medicines for issues such as high blood pressure or mood disorders can all hurt a man’s sex drive.

And these physical changes can cause emotional distress. Embarrassment is a big issue for men who have trouble getting or maintaining an erection, and so they may stop initiating sex. “For the guys who don’t like to do what they don’t do well, there will be avoidance, because they feel ashamed,” says Michael A. Perelman, co-­director of Weill Cornell Medicine’s Human Sexuality Program.

Unlike women, men often lose interest in sex when they are ­unhappy or insecure, Laumann says. Stress about a promotion, worry about a child, the transition to retirement “all undercut a man’s sense of his abilities and prowess”, he says.

And sometimes the problem does stem from the relationship. Sex can become routine in a long-term marriage, or partners grow apart. A man may harbour resentments, often about money. Or he may de-eroticise his wife. “He sees her as a good person, mother, supporter, but not as an exciting lover,” says Barry McCarthy, a psychology professor at American University.

Is the relationship doomed when a man — or a woman, for that matter — loses interest in sex? Not necessarily. But it’s definitely a signal that you need to evaluate what is going on. And there is the possibility that a decrease in desire for your partner may indicate that the person is no longer right for you, says Gurit Birnbaum, a social psychologist and associate professor of psychology at the Interdisciplinary Centre, a private university in Herzliya, Israel. You may have grown too far apart, or your goals, values or interests may have changed. “Your body may be telling you something,” she says.

But often the problems can be solved. This will require talking, the experts say, and it’s important to do that before it is too late. “A ­relationship becomes more fragile when it loses its sex aspect,” says Birnbaum.

Start by having a conversation outside of a sexual situation — go for a walk or have a glass of wine. Tell your spouse you miss having sex rather than criticising. Both partners should ease pressure by accepting that men, not just women, don’t want sex all the time. “Approaching hard conversations by being vulnerable ­upfront automatically creates a safer environment for a tough talk,” says Mark.

The Wall Street Journal

https://www.theaustralian.com.au/life/why-doesnt-your-husband-want-to-have-sex/news-story/4252b40db44be354e483bd7cab3dff85

Seven sexual health myths you should ignore

2018-05-10

1. You can’t get pregnant during menstruation

Menstruation is the process of the womb’s wall lining shedding off after unsuccessful fertilisation of an egg. While it is not common that pregnancy occurs during menstruation, it is still scientifically possible that intercourse during the period a woman sheds blood can lead to conception.

Sperm once shed into the birth canal can remain alive and viable between three to five days. During this time ovulation may take place followed by successful fertilisation.

2. You can get an STI from a toilet seat

Venereal diseases are primarily passed from one infected person to the next through sexual contact. Some STIs, such as pubic lice, can also be spread through skin-to-skin contact or sharing clothes, towels or bedding.

In many cases direct contact of skin or genitals or other bodily fluids with infected people is required for successful infection to occur. Urine usually cannot carry STI, so toilet seats are safe on that count. Besides, most STI agents cannot survive outside the human body for a long time.

3. You need a big penis to orgasm

A recent study shows that the average human penis is 13.12 cm long and 11.66 cm in circumference. The idea that a big penis automatically means satisfactory sexual experience for a woman is a fallacy.

Most women orgasm by stimulation to clitoris rather than inside the vagina. A woman can either experience clitoral orgasm or G-spot orgasm. A deep-penetrating penis is irrelevant to clitoral orgasms.

4. You can’t get an STI from oral sex

You are more likely to get infected with an STI through sexual intercourse than through oral sex. However, some infections are spread much easily through oral sex. The most commonly passed on are herpes simplex, gonorrhoea and syphilis.

The best way to help protect yourself during oral sex is to use a male or female condom or a dam to cover your genital area or anus.

5. Menopause kills a woman’s sex drive

Menopause, the age when a woman loses reproductive vigour, is often accompanied by symptoms such as hot flushes. However, losing the ability to procreate does not affect one’s sex drive. A woman well past menopause can experience good libido and also have a fulfilling sexual life.

6. Birth control pills make you gain (or lose) weight

Tens of studies covering this subject have been conducted all over the world but none of them is yet to prove a correlation between oral contraceptives and weight gain, this is still a common belief among women of all ages.

Specifically, a review article published in 2006 analysed 44 previous trials and found that while some participants did gain weight during their studies, there was no evidence that their birth control was to blame.

7. You have to use a cleaning agent to clean the vagina effectively

It is common behaviour that a proper bath is often accompanied by use of soap or shower gels. This has led to the belief that the vagina (especially internal walls) need to be cleaned with a cleaning agent like soap. It is from this belief that practices such as douching started being practiced.

On College Campuses, Students Push For Free Condoms

Only about 13 percent of colleges have condom dispensers or vending machines that allow young people privacy and better access, says one researcher.

When Boston College student Connor Kratz came out as a freshman, he realized he didn’t have any tools available on campus to learn more about sexual health and staying safe.

“I didn’t have the resources to have those discussions on my campus,” he explained. He then joined Students for Sexual Health, a group that had previously received pushback for handing out contraceptives on the Catholic campus.

That experience “helped me realize this is what I wanted to share with other people, these resources. Everyone deserves and has a right to sexual and reproductive health care.”

Kratz is one of 1,000 college students participating in the Great American Condom Campaign (GACC), an Advocates for Youth project providing each student with a box of 500 condoms to hand out in their community during a semester. The GACC has existed for several years—but now many students are advocating for their schools to be the ones handing out condoms instead.

ecause young people are a population with relatively high sexually transmitted infection (STI) rates, and contraceptives are a right like any other form of health care, these students are pushing their campuses to put up free condom dispensers as part of the campaign.

Young people have the right to lead healthy lives and make their own choices about their futures. There are proven links between a person’s ability to decide if and when to become pregnant and their academic achievement and rates of attending and completing college.

Of the estimated 20 million new STIs infections reported in the United States each year, people between the ages of 15 and 24 make up more than 50 percent of new gonorrhea cases and more than 60 percent of new chlamydia cases. When Kratz and his group surveyed nearly 400 Boston College students about condom use, they found 80 percent of students on campus were sexually active, yet 60 percent of those surveyed did not always use protection during sex. Demonstrating how useful it would be if the school provided condoms, more than 70 percent of respondents said they would use resources if they were provided by a student group or the university. Almost 45 percent didn’t know where to find sexual health resources and treatment near campus.

A majority of colleges do make condoms available. But where condoms are available, they’re often not used as much as expected, given the sexual health needs of college students, said Scott Butler, assistant director of the School of Health and Human Performance at Georgia College.

Butler is one of a few academics who has done studies about condom availability in colleges, and according to his research, 85 percent of colleges in the United States distribute free condoms somewhere on campus. Butler said that “most colleges that give out condoms—about 96 percent—do so at their college health center.” But one reason this isn’t effective is because “people associate going to the health center with when they are sick or ill. You need to make condoms available in different places within the student’s environment, so they have them when they need them.”

As Butler explained, “colleges only give out an average of 1 condom per student per year. It’s clear that that’s not enough to meet the sexual health-care needs of students.” But Butler is not sure that colleges have “realized that the number they were giving out was low in comparison to the student population.”

This makes sense to me: I manage the Great American Condom Campaign, and thousands of students apply to hand out 500 condoms themselves in their free time without any compensation or additional incentives, aside from knowing that people on their campus really need these sexual health resources and a desire to help people have the reproductive care they deserve.

Stephon Camp, a junior at Indiana University Southeast and a leader in an LGBTQ group on campus, is collecting petition signatures for his school to put free condom dispensers in public places. “Not everybody always knows where these resources they can get are, and some people are still going through embarrassment to even go to the store and buy them, or think it’s not important until something happens,” he said. “We’re trying to get a condom dispenser … and figure out if we can possibly have them in bathrooms.”

While distributing condoms with the GACC, Camp has noticed a high demand while giving out condoms at his school. “Outside our club office, people can grab condoms, and that’s been going really well since I’ve had to fill that up numerous times,” said Camp.

Camp noticed a lot of shame around needing condoms while handing them out at Indiana University Southeast. “With the free condom dispenser that we are working on, I know that would help with the privacy part because people do get really hesitant, especially with it being a small campus. We’ve got paper bags if people want privacy,” said Camp, as he’s overheard groups of students making snarky comments about others who are grabbing condoms.

Some of the stigma around condom distribution also concerns ideas about youth and sexual activity. Opponents of condom distribution often claim that giving people free condoms will make them have more sex than they already do. On the other side, the American Academy of Pediatrics has statedthat condoms should be made widely available in schools and to teens. There is no evidence that increased access to condoms or contraceptives increases young people’s sexual risk taking.

Having free condom dispensers in campus bathrooms would also normalize condom use and safer sex, as well as reduce the stigma around the need for condoms.

Only about 13 percent of colleges have condom dispensers or vending machines, added Butler.

Free condom dispensers have been a success at American University in Washington, D.C., where they were installed last year. Those machines cost $75 to $100 each (condoms are provided free from the local health department)—definitely a worthy and inexpensive investment in young people’s health and safety.

Mickey Irizarry, the director of the Wellness Center at American University, realized that the 9-to-5 hours of her office, which provided condoms, were a barrier for students. “We had heard, especially from students that live on campus, that they were frustrated that they couldn’t get condoms in their residence halls.”

With help from students, she began exploring location options. They wanted “somewhere that was easily accessible, and public space in the halls, but that wasn’t so in your face, in case some students who aren’t sexually active were not going to be comfortable with it, but also not so private that it would be hard to get to or that they wouldn’t know where it is.” They ultimately ended up placing them in three residence halls, where they “were having to fill up the dispensers about every week or two.” The campus plans to put up more free dispensers in residence halls.

Although the movement for free condoms is a new and growing one—and faces uphill battles on some religious campuses—some students have succeeded in getting their schools to give out free condoms. Jasmine Wilson, who’s a part of Advocates For Youth’s Student Organizing team, advocated for her school, Kenyon College in Ohio, to provide free internal condoms (sometimes called female condoms) last semester.

“I began organizing for free condoms on my college campus because I believe that people should not be restricted [from] living a safe and healthy life. Condoms are a form of protection and safety,” said Wilson.

She added another reason: economic equity. Cost is a major barrier to condom access for some young people.

Free condom distribution “would eliminate the large income gap, where affluent students can afford better health care and therefore afford things like contraception …. I know all too many people who do not use condoms because they could not afford to purchase them, and that should not be the case. Condoms should be available for free to everyone.”

Interested in joining the movement for free condom dispensers on college campuses? Email kinjo@advocatesforyouth.org to learn more. Students can apply here. 

Lesbian sexual health neglected by healthcare and education, researchers find

Due to the AIDS crisis and the HIV epidemic, sexual-health initiatives within LGBT communities have historically been heavily geared toward addressing men who have sex with men (MSM). Meanwhile, sex education in schools has used opposite-sex partners as its primary focus.

Unfortunately, research is revealing that several groups have been neglected in the process.

A new study led by researchers from the University of British Columbia reveals that although lesbian and female-bisexual teens face a higher risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) than their heterosexual counterparts, raising awareness of safe sex between women has been overlooked.

In the study, published in the Journal of Adolescent Health on December 28, 160 U.S. girls aged 14 to 18 participated in online focus groups based on whether or not they were sexually experienced.

What the researchers discovered was related to the exclusion of LGBT issues from mainstream sexual-health programs and preconceived ideas about gender.

The researchers identified four main themes as to why participants did not use latex barriers during sex.

A recurring theme was a concern about sexual pleasure or mood being reduced by awkwardness or discomfort. The study’s authors pointed out that sexual-health-promotion interventions have faced challenges in raising awareness of how pleasure can be increased by some STI–prevention methods, such as female condoms that stimulate the clitoris or lubrication on the underside of a dental dam.

Despite these issues, participants did express a willingness to use barriers in the future. Nonetheless, many participants preferred to use STI testing as a safe-sex strategy to determine whether or not they needed to use barriers. For instance, if both partners tested “clean” or “STD-free”, participants didn’t feel they needed to use barriers.

Another reason for avoiding barriers was the idea that sex with another female is low-risk due to the impossibility of impregnation. Several participants also stated that they trusted their female partners more than male partners regarding STIs.

However, the researchers pointed out that the exchange of vaginal fluid by mouth, fingers, or sex toys can transmit STIs; the human papilloma virus (HPV) can be spread by skin-to-skin contact; and genital HPV has been found on fingers, sterilized forceps, and surgical gloves (making transmission via sex toys possible).

Cycling Won’t Sabotage a Man’s Sex Life: Study

6 Things That Can Cause Penis Allergies After Sex

2018-01-04

Pains on the surface of the penis, redness or itchiness are some common symptoms of a penis allergy and it can have a huge impact on a couple’s sex life.

All couples seek a healthy relationship with a satisfying sexual life. But no matter how sexually compatible they are, there are always chances that allergies or side-effects of the products used while sex, come in the way of happy couple who are having great sex. One such condition is men having penis allergies immediately after having intercourse. Pains on the surface of the penis, redness or itchiness are some common symptoms of a penis allergy and it can have a huge impact on a couple’s sex life.

While an expert medical attention is required to treat the condition, there are some steps that men can take in order to prevent having such allergies.

Here are some common triggers of penis allergies:

1. Diabetes

Rashes and red spots can develop on the skin because of high blood sugar level. An unusual sign of diabetes, this causes burning sensation and redness on the skin. Antibiotics or anti-allergens too seem to show no results. It is a clear symptom of balanitis and patient must get their blood sugar levels checked if this happens.

2. Latex condoms

Many men are allergic to condoms and may develop itchiness or redness on being exposed to condoms. People who work in the healthcare industry are most prone to such allergies as they wear latex gloves all day long. The spermicides that are present on the lining of the condoms and the dyes that are used to colour these products can cause allergic reactions in some men. There are latex-free condoms available in the market, which are slightly more expensive. But these are an effective rash-free solution.

3. Allergies

In some rare cases, some allergic reactions cause burning sensations, pain and itchiness on the penis. These allergies can be aggravated by pubic hair, female secretions or pubic lice.

4. Infections

Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) are another possible reason for penis allergies after sexual intercourse. These include trichomonalis vaginalis (red spots on the penis), syphilis (boils on the penis after a few days of sexual intercourse with a person suffering from syphilis) and herpes (red spots on the genital area).

5. Products used by women

Many men are under the misconception that vaginal secretions are to be blamed for their penis allergies. But it is actually some of the products that women use which may be triggering these allergies. These products include creams, lotions, lubricants, perfumes, powders and soaps to name a few.

During sexual intercourse, the delicate skin of the penis might come in contact with these irritants, thus leading to rash or redness of the skin. To get the condition properly treated, medical attention is required. But if an emergency situation rises in the odd hours of the night, you can opt for hypoallergenic products or products which mention they are free of allergens and perfumes.

6. Lack of Lubrication

When couples indulge in sex in a hurry, it often leads to lack of lubrication in women. This causes red spots and abrasion of the skin on penis. However, this kind of sexual intercourse is more painful for women than men.

Ways to deal with penis allergies

Wearing breathable fabrics can go a long way in terms of preventing penis allergies. Also, prevent using lotions or creams as they can cause an adverse allergic reaction. You can penis health creams that are available in the market.

However, we do suggest taking medical assistance for treating penis allergies as a long-term method to prevent them.