Understanding females’ sexual fluidity

2012-02-10

Actress Cynthia Nixon made headlines recently when she said during an interview that she “chooses” to be a lesbian.

“I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better,” she said. “For me, it is a choice.”

As you might expect, her comments – published in a New York Times Magazine profile – set off a firestorm of controversy, with gay activists and others worrying that Nixon’s words would give credence to those who claim that being gay is a conscious decision, not a genetic certainty.

(She later clarified that she identifies most closely as a bisexual, which, she says, is a “fact,” not a choice.)

But, divisive wording aside, there may be something to Nixon’s remarks. The actress, who was once in a long-term relationship with a man and who is now engaged to a woman, appears to be an example of what scientists are now terming “sexual fluidity.” In other words, she may be attracted to a specific person rather than a particular gender.

It’s a phenomenon that Lisa Diamond, a University of Utah psychology professor, has studied extensively. In her 2008 book, “Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire,” she writes that women’s sexuality appears to be much more fluid than men’s, and that this fluidity tends to involve three main characteristics:

– Non-exclusivity in attractions: can find either gender sexually attractive
– Changes in attractions: can suddenly find a man or woman sexually attractive after having been in a long-term relationship with the other
– Attraction to the person, not the gender

Research seems to support the idea that some women are able to move between relationships with both genders without blinking an eye – and that labels matter little. In a 2008 study, Diamond followed 70 lesbian, bisexual, and “unlabeled” women over the course of 10 years.

During that decade, two-thirds of the women changed their initial identity labels, and one-third of these changed labels at least twice. And although conventional wisdom suggests that more women would transition out of the bisexual and unlabeled groups and into the more “standard” groups of heterosexuality or homosexuality, this was not the case.

As Diamond writes, “More women adopted bisexual/unlabeled identities than relinquished these identities; few bisexual/unlabeled women ended up identifying as lesbian or heterosexual. Overall, the most commonly adopted identity was ‘unlabeled.’”

So is sexual fluidity unique to women? Possibly, says sexuality educator Emily Nagoski, author of the “Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms.”

“Making space for fluidity as a legitimate part of sexual orientation would help women, but it surely couldn’t hurt men. Men have some fluidity too, just not as much,” she writes. “It’s different for girls, this sexual orientation thing.”

She points to a variety of studies that help bolster this idea: For instance, research in men has found genetic differences that may be associated with homosexuality, but similar inheritability of sexual orientation has not yet been identified in women.

Plus, Nagoski adds, “Women’s experience of sexual orientation is more discontinuous and variable than men’s, which more typically emerges early and stays the same over different situations.” So, while most men tend to identify themselves as straight, gay, or bisexual relatively early in life, many women may have relationships with both men and women without choosing a specific sexual orientation.

Women may also be more receptive than men to a variety of sexual cues. For their recent book, “A Billion Wicked Thoughts,” neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam analyzed a billion web searches, a million websites, a million erotic videos, a million erotic stories, millions of personal ads and tens of thousands of digitized romance novels in order to better understand the sexual differences between men and women. They concluded that a single cue triggers arousal in the male brain, but that women’s brains require multiple cues to become aroused.

Similarly, research from the University of Toronto found that while men who identified themselves as heterosexual or homosexual became sexually aroused by straight or gay pornography, respectively, women were much more complicated: Regardless of their identified orientation, straight, gay, and bisexual women became physically aroused by a whole range of sexual imagery, including male–male, male–female, and female–female pornography. They were even turned on by images of mating monkeys, although they didn’t admit it.

Of course, we shouldn’t interpret these findings as proof that all heterosexual women are sexually attracted to other women, or to monkeys for that matter.

But they do suggest that women may be more capable of finding people and things attractive, no matter what orientation they claim. Perhaps that’s why an estimated 95% of straight men who fantasize about or partake in threesomes are only interested in being with two women, while more heterosexual women are open to adding another woman or man to the mix.

In the end, Cynthia Nixon’s comments and the conversation they’ve started may reveal less about the actress’s romantic leanings than our own preconceived notions about sexual orientation.

Maybe the lesson here is that love and lust are about people, not about labels – and I think that can only be a good thing.
Post by: Ian Kerner Ph.D. – sex counselor

‘Sonicated’ Sperm: Could Ultrasound Be the Next Male Contraceptive?

2012-02-01

Condoms and vasectomies are so yesterday. Researchers are working on a way to zap sperm to control male fertility.

Condoms aren’t foolproof, and vasectomies may be too much so. Now researchers say they’re working on another contraceptive option for men that offers them more flexibility and control over their fertility. It’s based on ultrasound.

Using sound waves in medicine isn’t new — obstetricians rely on them to take noninvasive pictures of a developing fetus, and cancer doctors use them to image tumors hidden deep in the body. Physical therapists employ ultrasound to heal damaged muscles. Now new data on rats shows that exposing testes to ultrasound can shut down sperm production — which could lead to an effective contraceptive.

James Tsuruta, an assistant professor of pediatrics at University of North Carolina School of Medicine, and his colleagues report in the journal Reproductive Biology and Endocrinology that commonly used doses of ultrasound can lower rats’ sperm concentrations to 3 million per milliliter of semen; experts define low sperm counts in men as anything less than 20 million sperm per milliliter of semen.

“When we treated the rats in the study, it only took two weeks to shut down a process that is essential to the survival of any species,” says Tsuruta. “Males produce millions of sperm every day. So it’s a very, very robust system. To be able to turn that off — we are really excited to learn how this actually works.”

Ultrasound generates heat by physically vibrating tissues with sound waves — similar to the way that microwave energy shakes up water molecules to heat up food. But the sound waves may also be working at a deeper level to change the tissues they affect; Tsuruta says when he compared rat testes exposed to ultrasound to testes heated to the same temperature without ultrasound, the ultrasound-treated testes showed a 10 times greater drop in sperm concentration.

Research by other scientists suggests that ultrasound may disrupt the proteins in cells and even their gene expression, leading to alterations in the way these cells work. “Ultrasound can definitely change [the cells’] state,” he says. “So to learn whether any of these things are happening if we use ultrasound as contraceptive is going to need future studies.”

In the study, the rats’ testes were exposed to high frequency ultrasound at 3 MHz for 15 minutes each, two days apart. The sessions were enough to kill the existing sperm in the testes and stop the development of additional sperm. The first study to look at the effect of ultrasound on sperm production, in the 1970s, showed that the depletion was temporary, and Tsuruta hopes his studies will show the same result.

Why the need for zapping sperm? In the U.S., 70% of couples use some form of contraception, with the vast majority relying on female methods, including the birth control pill. Only a quarter of men use condoms or have a vasectomy, which means 75% don’t use any method to control their fertility. There are probably some women out there who’d like to see the balance shift.

So far, the technique has too many unknowns to be tested safely in people. The only men to undergo ultrasound of their testes — not to test its effectiveness, but only to test its feasibility — were prostate cancer patients who were scheduled for castration to remove tumors in the 1970s. These men reported that the ultrasound treatment was tolerable and didn’t cause them any pain.

If Tsuruta’s results hold, and the technique proves safe, Tsuruta says ideally men would go to a clinic for treatments that last about six months or so. But there is a lot more that scientists have to learn about ultrasound and its effect on fertility before that happens. “We need to do more studies to be sure that a man can use this over and over again, and that when he does decide to father children, there is no problem at all,” he says.

In the meantime, Tsuruta stresses that the procedure isn’t something you should try at home, despite the fact that commercial ultrasound machines are available online and men are apparently purchasing them for this purpose. “I get emails asking me what conditions men should use,” Tsuruta says. “This is really not something you should do at home because we don’t know nearly enough about its safety and reversibility and what other effects there might be long term.”

Alice Park is a writer at TIME. Find her on Twitter at @aliceparkny.

Sex after divorce: Does it get better?

“If I hadn’t gotten divorced, I never would have had the top five sexual experiences of my life,” gushed Tom, a friend of a friend at a recent holiday party.

What a turnaround! In 2010, at the same party, Tom* had been in the midst of splitting up with his wife of 12 years and I was offering him the names of marriage counselors. Now he was bankrupt and only saw his kids every other week, but he was exuberant about the change to his sex life.

“I’d given up on sex and fooled myself into thinking that I wasn’t even a particularly sexual person,” he explained. “I didn’t want to be the sort of guy who cheated, so I resigned myself to lackluster sex every other week… if I was lucky. We were so young and inexperienced when we got married. Now, for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m approaching sex as a confident adult.”

Does sex get better after divorce? Unfortunately, there haven’t been any formal studies that explore levels of post-divorce sexual satisfaction, but intrigued by Tom’s exuberance, I spoke with a handful of recently divorced friends, colleagues, and former patients. To my surprise, I found that many echo Tom’s enthusiasm.

While divorce and its adjustments aren’t easy, many newly single people say they are seeing its silver lining … in sex.

Dr. Andy Trees, author of “A Scientific Guide to Successful Dating,” says Internet dating has really changed the game.

“Divorced people find it much easier to get back in the saddle so to speak,” Trees said. “I also think this is a classic case of the power of chemistry in the early months. Sex with someone new is always exciting in a way that sex with a familiar partner isn’t (which isn’t to say that long-term sexual intimacy doesn’t have pluses as well).”

“At first I was cautious,” said Sandra*, 38. “Our culture treats divorced people like babies or wounded birds. Everyone says things like ‘Take it slow, be careful, you’re still getting over a painful situation.’ And all this advice made me feel unsure of myself. But after my first post-divorce hookup – and first orgasm in years – I realized that this bird has wings and it’s time to soar!”

Says Kristen Mark, a sex researcher at Indiana University, “When sexual desires aren’t being met for a long period of time, you can feel really trapped, like the real you isn’t able to shine.”

Adds psychicatrist Gail Saltz, “Embedded in divorce sex is the knowledge that your partner has in essence rejected you, or at least let you go, and part of hot sex is the unconscious desire to show them what a mistake they made by not keeping you.”

Sometimes life after divorce can reinforce a person’s libido type or help them discover what they like and don’t like, as is the case with David*, 39, twice married and divorced: “It took me two marriages to realize that I like a lot of sexual excitement and experimentation, but I’m also a romantic. I believe in marriage and monogamy, but if and when I get married again … it’s going to be with a woman who enjoys the kinkier side of life.”

The enjoyment of sex after divorce may also have something to do with a sense of deserving a bit of hard-earned sexual selfishness.

Take Karen*, 38, who says, “I’d always heard that women experience their sexual prime later in life, but I never understood that. The more I was in my marriage and the older I got, the less sexual I felt. Then I got divorced and started having casual sex again. For the first time in a long time I was with men who were making an effort to pleasure me and discover what I liked, and I wasn’t shy or bashful about letting them know. I am having a sexual peak, but it’s not physical, it’s mental.”

With all the fun to be had, is there a downside? And are there any best practices for sex after divorce?

“Watch out for too much too soon,” says, Lance*, 42. “After my divorce, I was like a kid in a candy store. There were women everywhere. And a lot of them were willing to have sex. Suddenly, I was a womanizer.”

He continues, a bit remorseful: “Be honest with the person you’re with. What are you looking for from the sex? I don’t want to get married again, or be in a serious relationship right now, and I need to be clearer about that up front before having sex with someone.”

Remember, too, that just because you’re divorced doesn’t mean you’re necessarily wiser. “Practice safe sex,” says Mara*, 58. “My best friend and I both got divorced at the same time and were there for each other. We’re both well past the age of having kids. But I always use protection, and she doesn’t. I try to tell her that STDs are still a real possibility.”

Sex educator Amy Levine confirms that advice. “When ‘you don’t know what you don’t know’ a lack of sexual knowledge can put someone at risk for a range of STDs. For those that were married for quite a while, sex ed after divorce is imperative!”

And be cautious if you have children. “Don’t bring your fun home if there are kids in the house,” says Trish*. “I want to get married again, and I want my daughter to have a loving stepfather someday. But I’m going to make sure he’s really the one before I bring anyone home.”

There’s one thing everyone agrees on, in theory, if not always in practice: Avoid sex with your ex. Says Tom, who got this whole ball rolling, “I couldn’t believe it. Jackie* and I would be with our lawyers, fighting viciously about money or kids – and then we’d leave and go have hot crazy sex. It was really confusing. Why couldn’t it have been like that when we were married?”

*Names have been changed
Post by: Ian Kerner Ph.D. – sex counselor

Going with the flow for great sex

2012-01-23

When you hear the words ‘heart’ and ‘sex life’ in the same sentence, odds are the speaker is probably talking about love. But your heart – or, more accurately, your cardiovascular system – actually has a lot to do with your ability to perform in the bedroom.

This concept was brought home to me recently when I caught up with my colleague, Dr. Madeleine Castellanos, author of a recent book dealing with male sexual issues. She reminded me that there’s no way we can talk about sexual issues like erectile dysfunction (ED) or other arousal disorders without talking about cardiovascular health.

“When you break it all down, everything in the body, including sex, is dependent on good blood flow,” says Castellanos. “Our body’s way of nourishing itself and keeping itself vibrant and alive is by carrying oxygen, hormones, and nutrients via the bloodstream to all tissues and cells. The more activity that a certain part of our body engages in, the more blood flow is directed to that area.”

Although you might typically associate blood flow with your heart, brain or muscles, it’s also a crucial factor in the way your genitals function. In men, blood flow to erectile tissue produces an erection and stimulates the prostate gland to start releasing pre-ejaculatory fluid. Blood flow also benefits women by increasing the clitoris’s size and sensation and by enhancing vaginal lubrication.

Continue reading Going with the flow for great sex →

When is a woman more likely to fake it?

2011-12-14

Ladies, how many of you have ever faked it? If so, why? Did you fake it because your orgasm just wasn’t going to happen? Or did you do it because his orgasm happened all too quickly? In that case, perhaps you faked your own orgasm to spare his feelings, or maybe to avoid having to talk about it.

But have you ever faked it because you thought that doing so might prevent him from cheating? A new study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that 54% of women admitted to faking an orgasm, and that women who thought their partners might cheat were more likely to be the ones doing the faking.

While the idea of faking orgasm to keep a partner faithful is a novel one, one has to wonder about its potential effectiveness. I personally don’t know of any research to suggest that men are more likely to stay in a relationship with a partner who has orgasms, or that men are more likely to cheat if their partners do not have orgasms. Continue reading When is a woman more likely to fake it? →

Is passion on your plate?

2011-11-02

It’s been said that the way to a lover’s heart is through his (or her) stomach, and there’s no doubt that the very act of preparing a delicious meal for your partner could score you points. But can certain foods actually increase your sexual desire?

We’ve all heard claims that foods and beverages like oysters, chocolate and red wine can boost libido, but the science behind these isn’t particularly strong.

There may not be much research to support the effects of food on arousal, but it’s true that great nutrition can promote great sex. Some foods and beverages – or, more specifically, the vitamins, minerals and other compounds they contain – may indeed help improve your sex life.

Overall, what benefits your heart also tends to benefit your libido, because our genitals need optimal blood flow to function properly. And other foods may look, feel, or taste sensual – and I think that’s reason enough to add them to your plate.

With this in mind, it might be time to indulge in a little “sex diet” with your partner. The goal here isn’t to lose weight, but to enjoy the bonding process of cooking and eating together as a couple.

In a 2006 survey of 1,500 couples conducted with John Gray, author of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus,” nearly 83% of those who said they cook together at least three times a week rated their relationship as excellent, compared with just 26% who said they rarely or never do. By getting hotter in the kitchen, you might also get things smoking in the bedroom: 58% of those couples who cooked together also reported having satisfying sex lives, compared with a third of those who don’t.

When you’re planning your next romantic meal, consider putting these foods on the menu:

• Fruits and veggies. Greens in general are rich in L-arginine, while asparagus is an especially good source of folic acid, which increases the histamine production necessary for the ability to reach orgasm. (Its phallic shape also gives it a reputation as an aphrodisiac.) Avocados, arugula, watermelon, mangoes, and figs all have long histories of use as libido boosters, too.
• Nuts. Almonds are a traditional aphrodisiac food and are believed to promote fertility and libido. Walnuts, peanuts, and cashews are packed with L-arginine, a compound that appears to promote healthy erectile function in men and clitoral tissue in women.
• Seafood. Oysters are the stereotypical aphrodisiac dish, possibly because they’re rich in the mineral zinc, which has been linked to male fertility, potency and sex drive. Though it may not seem quite so sexy, a simple salmon filet may be even more important for good sex: Salmon and other fatty fish like mackerel and sardines are great sources of heart-healthy omega-3 fatty acids, which can also help improve mood.
• Spices. Chili peppers are rich in capsaicin, a compound known to stimulate nerve endings and get your pulse racing – not unlike romance. Licorice and anise seed also have long been believed to increase arousal.
• Chocolate. I’m not suggesting you scarf down a box of sweets every night (even if it’s heart-shaped!), but a piece of good-quality dark chocolate may be just what the sex doctor ordered. It’s been said that the Aztec emperor Montezuma drank up to 50 cups of chocolate daily in the hopes of improving his love life. He may have been on to something: Eating it triggers the release of the chemical phenylethylamine, leading to feelings of excitement that are conducive to sex.
• Honey. They call it a “honeymoon” for a reason: Newlyweds once drank beer and wine containing honey (believed to be the nectar of the love goddess Aphrodite) in hopes of increasing fertility.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the supposed sexy effects of these and other aphrodisiacs are mainly due to a placebo effect: If you believe they will turn you on, they will. But what does it matter? If you can enjoy a sensual meal with your partner, it may help you turn up the heat: not just in the kitchen, but between the sheets.

What do you think? Do you cook with your spouse? If so, do you find cooking together helps with a sense of connectedness? Are there foods you find sexy?

Is it normal to get erections?

2011-07-12

Yes. Erections are a perfectly normal function of the male body, especially in guys who are going through puberty.

What Is an Erection?

An erection is a hardening of the penis that occurs when sponge-like tissue inside the penis fills up with blood. Usually, an erection causes the penis to enlarge and stand away from the body.

Erections can go away on their own or after ejaculation, the release of semen through the urethra, the small hole at the tip of the penis.

Sometimes guys ejaculate at night while sleeping (these are called nocturnal emissions or wet dreams). Guys may have several erections and arousal periods while in the REM (rapid eye movement) stage of sleep, the type of sleep in which most dreams occur.

What Causes Erections?

Although many erections are caused by sexual arousal, such as watching a sexy television show or fantasizing, many erections seem to happen for no particular reason.

So if you’ve had an erection in an odd or embarrassing situation — like right in the middle of a really boring history lesson — there’s no reason to worry that something is wrong with you. Your body is just acting naturally for a guy your age.

Am I Getting Too Many Erections?

Because each guy is different, it’s impossible to say what’s a “normal” number of erections. Some guys experience many erections each day, whereas others may not experience any.

Hormones fluctuate with age, sexual maturity, level of activity, and even the amount of sleep a guy gets. Unless your erections are causing you discomfort or pain, don’t worry about how many you get.

If you’re concerned, talk to your doctor, who can answer your questions and probably put your mind at ease.

What Can I Do to Avoid Getting Erections?

Because erections usually aren’t controllable, there’s not much you can do to avoid getting them. Unless the penis is stimulated enough to ejaculate, time is the only thing that will help them go away.

As your hormones settle down and you advance through puberty, the frequency of unexpected erections and wet dreams should decrease.