Category Archives: blog

Conception sex: The best laid plans

Conception sex: The best laid plans

2011-11-11

If you have kids or are hoping to get pregnant, you know all too well that trying to conceive is one of the few times when sex isn’t just about pleasure for pleasure’s sake.

In fact, unless you’re one of those couples that get pregnant right away, conception sex can become downright stressful. As a father of two boys, I understand that trying to conceive can start to seem pretty, well, trying.

According to one British survey, the average couple has sex 104 times before getting pregnant: four times a week on average over the course of six months. No wonder sex can start to feel like work. Here’s why: Continue reading Conception sex: The best laid plans

Sex: What’s in a ‘number’?

Sex: What’s in a ‘number’?

2011-11-10

In the recent romantic comedy, “What’s Your Number?” Anna Faris plays a young single woman who is worried that her high number of past sexual partners, 19, will prevent her from meeting Mr. Right, and determines to find lasting love before bedding No. 20.

At least she’s being honest. In reality, people often lie about their “number”: Men tend to overestimate, while women generally underestimate. Of course, it’s possible that these men and women aren’t lying at all, but simply remembering incorrectly, or reaching their number according to their own definition of sex – like the Clintonian method, for example. In general, though, there seems to be a double standard. What’s in a number, and why should a woman’s be lower than a man’s? Continue reading Sex: What’s in a ‘number’?

Is passion on your plate?

Is passion on your plate?

2011-11-02

It’s been said that the way to a lover’s heart is through his (or her) stomach, and there’s no doubt that the very act of preparing a delicious meal for your partner could score you points. But can certain foods actually increase your sexual desire?

We’ve all heard claims that foods and beverages like oysters, chocolate and red wine can boost libido, but the science behind these isn’t particularly strong.

There may not be much research to support the effects of food on arousal, but it’s true that great nutrition can promote great sex. Some foods and beverages – or, more specifically, the vitamins, minerals and other compounds they contain – may indeed help improve your sex life.

Overall, what benefits your heart also tends to benefit your libido, because our genitals need optimal blood flow to function properly. And other foods may look, feel, or taste sensual – and I think that’s reason enough to add them to your plate.

With this in mind, it might be time to indulge in a little “sex diet” with your partner. The goal here isn’t to lose weight, but to enjoy the bonding process of cooking and eating together as a couple.

In a 2006 survey of 1,500 couples conducted with John Gray, author of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus,” nearly 83% of those who said they cook together at least three times a week rated their relationship as excellent, compared with just 26% who said they rarely or never do. By getting hotter in the kitchen, you might also get things smoking in the bedroom: 58% of those couples who cooked together also reported having satisfying sex lives, compared with a third of those who don’t.

When you’re planning your next romantic meal, consider putting these foods on the menu:

  • Fruits and veggies. Greens in general are rich in L-arginine, while asparagus is an especially good source of folic acid, which increases the histamine production necessary for the ability to reach orgasm. (Its phallic shape also gives it a reputation as an aphrodisiac.) Avocados, arugula, watermelon, mangoes, and figs all have long histories of use as libido boosters, too.
  • Nuts. Almonds are a traditional aphrodisiac food and are believed to promote fertility and libido. Walnuts, peanuts, and cashews are packed with L-arginine, a compound that appears to promote healthy erectile function in men and clitoral tissue in women.
  • Seafood. Oysters are the stereotypical aphrodisiac dish, possibly because they’re rich in the mineral zinc, which has been linked to male fertility, potency and sex drive. Though it may not seem quite so sexy, a simple salmon filet may be even more important for good sex: Salmon and other fatty fish like mackerel and sardines are great sources of heart-healthy omega-3 fatty acids, which can also help improve mood.
  • Spices. Chili peppers are rich in capsaicin, a compound known to stimulate nerve endings and get your pulse racing – not unlike romance. Licorice and anise seed also have long been believed to increase arousal.
  • Chocolate. I’m not suggesting you scarf down a box of sweets every night (even if it’s heart-shaped!), but a piece of good-quality dark chocolate may be just what the sex doctor ordered. It’s been said that the Aztec emperor Montezuma drank up to 50 cups of chocolate daily in the hopes of improving his love life. He may have been on to something: Eating it triggers the release of the chemical phenylethylamine, leading to feelings of excitement that are conducive to sex.
  • Honey. They call it a “honeymoon” for a reason: Newlyweds once drank beer and wine containing honey (believed to be the nectar of the love goddess Aphrodite) in hopes of increasing fertility.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the supposed sexy effects of these and other aphrodisiacs are mainly due to a placebo effect: If you believe they will turn you on, they will. But what does it matter? If you can enjoy a sensual meal with your partner, it may help you turn up the heat: not just in the kitchen, but between the sheets.

What do you think? Do you cook with your spouse? If so, do you find cooking together helps with a sense of connectedness? Are there foods you find sexy?

If you want more sex, be nice!

If you want more sex, be nice!

Earlier this year, eminent marriage therapist John Gottman released a new book titled “The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples.” While you may not recognize Gottman by name, you may be aware of his work via Malcolm Gladwell’s book “Blink.”

In that bestseller, readers were introduced to Gottman’s knack for “thin-slicing” a couple based upon a few minutes of observation, and determining, with incredible accuracy, whether they would succeed or fail in their marriage.

So what’s the secret of relationship success? Based upon his work with couples, as well as statistical analysis, Gottman has determined that, “It’s the balance between positive and negative emotional interactions in a marriage that determines its well-being – whether the good moments of mutual pleasure, passion, humor, support, kindness, and generosity outweigh the bad moments of complaining, criticism, anger, disgust, contempt, defensiveness, and coldness.”

Those couples that succeed in their marriages enjoy an overriding proportion of positive over negative sentiment.

But how do you ensure that? “All couples, happy and unhappy, have conflict,” writes Gottman, “but the ratio of positive to negative interactions during arguments is a critical factor.” He has proposed that this ratio should, ideally, be 5 to 1.

While it’s impossible to go through life tallying positive versus negative interactions, it is possible to determine intuitively whether your relationship is generally in the positive, or tending more toward the negative. And then you can change it.

I often advise couples to get in the “5 to 1 zone,” and it’s one of those pieces of simple advice that I often remind myself to practice in my own marriage. It isn’t easy to maintain a surplus of positivity, but it is possible.

In his latest book, Gottman encourages couples to cultivate emotional attunement through awareness, tolerance, understanding, non-defensive listening, and empathy.

“Boiling down the richly complex body of work described in the book to one sentence, Gottman’s point is that trust is made of people believing that their partners will be nice, that the partner will make an effort to make life better for you,” writes sex educator Emily Nagoski in her intellectually vivacious blog, Sex Nerd.

So there you have it – it all comes down to the “power of nice.” While many men like to complain that nice guys often finish last, it would seem that couples that are nice to each other tend to last the longest.

So why is it often so darn hard to be nice to our partners? Or why do we often end up being nice to everyone except the ones we hold closest? Why is nice so elusive?

“Maybe you plain old don’t know how to be nice. Maybe in your family of origin, people just weren’t nice to each other, so you never learned that skill. Or maybe you didn’t learn rules of Being Nice that are compatible with the rules your partner learned,” writes Nagoski.

“The hardest possibility is that you are your partner have been sucked into a dynamic of retaliation – you’re like Israel and Palestine, where neither one can be the first NOT to retaliate.”

Gottman argues that it’s hard to be emotionally attuned to your partner when you’re stressed out, which so many of us are today. Stress hijacks our brains and makes it hard for us to feel anything other than anxious or panicked. Stress creates a state of emotional triage, one that pushes nice to the wayside.

I’ve also found that many couples are used to operating in states of highs and lows – a sort of relationship manic-depression – but are unable to carve out a middle ground. But nice requires that in-between state. Nice takes time, patience, and effort.

”When people are angry and hurt, they get into a different physiological state, with heightened awareness of potential threats and diminished capacity for empathy and creative problem solving,” says Nagoski.

“They stop seeing the positive and start attributing negative personality traits to their partner, to explain the problems in the relationship. In their minds, their partner develops a reputation as untrustworthy. Contempt builds. And the whole thing spirals.”

So are you being nice enough to your partner? Are you in the 5 to 1 zone? If not, maybe it is time to start counting interactions. A little “nice” goes a long way.

Happiness linked to longer life…

Happiness linked to longer life…

Being happy doesn’t just improve the quality of your life. According to a new study, it may increase the quantity of your life as well.

Older people were up to 35% less likely to die during the five-year study if they reported feeling happy, excited, and content on a typical day. And this was true even though the researchers took factors such as chronic health problems, depression, and financial security out of the equation.

“We had expected that we might see a link between how happy people felt over the day and their future mortality, but we were struck by how strong the effect was,” says Andrew Steptoe, Ph.D., the lead author of the study and a professor of psychology at University College London, in the United Kingdom.

Previous studies on happiness and longevity have largely relied on the participants’ ability to recall how they felt during a certain period of time in the past. These recollections aren’t always accurate, though, and to get around this problem Steptoe and his colleagues asked more than 3,800 people to record their levels of happiness, anxiety, and other emotions at four specific times over the course of a single day.

The participants, who were between the ages of 52 and 79 when the study began, were divided into three groups according to how happy and positive they felt. Although the groups differed slightly on some measures (such as age, wealth, and smoking), they were comparable in terms of ethnic makeup, education, employment status, and overall health.

Five years later, 7% of people in the least happy group had died, compared with just 4% in the happiest group and 5% in the middle group.

When the researchers controlled for age, depression, chronic diseases, health behaviors (such as exercise and alcohol consumption), and socioeconomic factors, they found that the happiest and medium-happy people were 35% and 20% less likely to have died, respectively, than their gloomier counterparts.

It may seem far-fetched that a person’s feelings on one particular day would be able to predict the likelihood of dying in the near future, but these emotional snapshots have proven to be a good indication of overall temperament in previous studies, says Sarah Pressman, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Kansas, in Lawrence.

“There is always room for error, of course; if I get a parking ticket or stub my toe on the way to the study, I’m not going to be particularly happy,” says Pressman, who was not involved in the study but researches the impact of happiness on health. “But given that the study worked, it suggests that, on average, this day was fairly typical for the participants.”

Unlike the happiness measures, depression symptoms were not associated with mortality rates once the researchers adjusted for overall health. According to the study, this finding suggests that the absence of happiness may be a more important measure of health in older people than the presence of negative emotions.

Positive emotions could contribute to better physical health in a number of ways. Regions of the brain involved in happiness are also involved in blood-vessel function and inflammation, for instance, and studies have shown that levels of the stress hormone cortisol tend to rise and fall with emotion.

The study doesn’t prove that happiness (or unhappiness) directly affects lifespan, but the findings do imply that doctors and caregivers should pay close attention to the emotional well-being of older patients, the researchers say. “We would not advocate from this study that trying to be happier would have direct health benefits,” Steptoe says.

However, this study and others like it should help establish happiness as a legitimate area of concern for health professionals, Pressman says. “There are still some people who see happiness as something fluffy and less scientific — not something they should be worried about like, say, stress or depression,” she says.

Happiness, she adds, “may be something for doctors to ask their patients about.”

The study, which was published today in the Proceedings of the Academy of National Sciences, included participants from a larger, long-running British study on aging. The authors received funding from the British Heart Foundation, Cancer Research UK, and the (U.S.) National Institute on Aging.

Older Women at Greater Risk for Common STD, Study Suggests

Older Women at Greater Risk for Common STD, Study Suggests

2011-07-28

The sexually transmitted disease trichomoniasis may be much more common among older women than those in their 20s, and researchers are recommending routine screening for sexually active women aged 40 and older.

“We usually think of STDs as more prevalent in young people, but our study results clearly show that with [trichomoniasis], while too many young people have it, even more, older women are infected,” said the study’s senior study investigator, Charlotte Gaydos, professor at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, in a university news release. Continue reading Older Women at Greater Risk for Common STD, Study Suggests

Masturbation

Masturbation

2011-07-27

Masturbation refers to sexual arousal (and often orgasm as well) by manual stimulation of the genitals.

Generally, the word indicates self-stimulation. But it’s worth noting that in 2010 some sexologists use the expression to indicate pleasuring of another person by hand, in phrases such as ‘the husband can masturbate the wife to help her achieve a climax’. However, in this article we shall deal only with self-stimulation.

This is the form of sexual behaviour that most of us learn first – quite instinctively. And, until recently, it was probably the type of sex least talked about. Continue reading Masturbation

Are Changes In My Vaginal Discharge OK?

Are Changes In My Vaginal Discharge OK?

2011-07-26

Normal vaginal discharge has several purposes: cleaning and moistening the vagina, and helping to prevent and fight infections. Although it’s normal for the color, texture, and amount of vaginal fluids to vary throughout a girl’s menstrual cycle, some changes in discharge may indicate a problem.

First, it helps to learn some of the differences between normal and abnormal vaginal discharge. This will help you to recognize changes that may occur. Continue reading Are Changes In My Vaginal Discharge OK?

Men: What Your Sex Life Says About Your Health

Men: What Your Sex Life Says About Your Health

2011-07-22

Sex is great until, well, it’s not so great. When something goes awry, it’s easy to blame being in a bad patch or a bad relationship. Or . . . could your body be trying to tell you something?

“There’s an increasing awareness that sex isn’t just about quality of life — sex can be a harbinger of underlying medical conditions,” says urologist John Mulhall, director of the Sexual Medicine Program and the Sexual Medicine Research Laboratory at Weill Medical College of Cornell University in New York City.

The following ten sex scenes are no fun, but they’re worth mentioning to your favorite primary doctor or urologist (the specialist who handles many men’s plumbing issues).

Sex scene #1: You’re just not interested any more.

It might be: Low testosterone

Lots of things can cause your sex drive to shift into neutral: work stress, falling out of love, lack of sleep. But what if those things don’t apply and you’d still rather count sheep than make love? Or if the sights and touches that once turned you on leave you literally unmoved? You might have a hormone out of whack.

“Testosterone is the most important metabolic hormone for men,” Mulhall says. “If it’s low, you’re at increased risk for osteoporosis, type 2 diabetes, coronary artery disease, metabolic syndrome, and premature death — and your only symptom may be low libido.”

What to do: Get your testosterone level checked with a simple blood test. Make the appointment for before 10 a.m., Mulhall says, when levels are highest. If yours is low, you’ll be referred to a urologist or endocrinologist who can help you evaluate treatment options, which include testosterone supplements.

Sex scene #2: You’re just not interested — and you’re feeling down, too.

It might be: Depression — or depression meds

Loss of interest in sex is a classic sign of clinical depression. Yet the treatment for depression can have the same side effect. Talk about a catch-22. Drugs in the SSRI family of antidepressants (including Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft) have been found in many studies to zap desire in both men and women. (They can also cause anorgasmia — the inability to climax.)

What to do: If you haven’t been diagnosed with depression and you’re feeling low (along with experiencing low libido and other common symptoms of depression), mention all this to a doctor. Clinical depression is highly treatable with talk therapy and medication. If you’re currently being treated with an antidepressant, ask your prescribing doctor about switching to a class of drugs less associated with sexual side effects, such as bupropion (Wellbutrin). Ask, too, about taking a “drug holiday” from an SSRI if you’re on one; some doctors endorse quitting these meds for a day or two at a time in order to allow libido to bloom.

Sex scene #3: More and more often, you can’t hold an erection.

It might be: A heart problem (the cardiovascular kind, not the romantic kind)

Say you’re a relatively healthy midlife guy, a little overweight, and you start having erectile trouble. Count yourself lucky. It might be your tip-off that you’re three to five years away from coronary artery disease, says Mulhall. “Two-thirds of men who have had heart attacks had erectile dysfunction (ED) that predated angina by at least three years,” he says. “Men are increasingly being diagnosed with ED due to low blood flow, which increases their chance of heart disease.”

What to do: Get your cholesterol checked. It’s abnormal in 75 percent of men with ED, Mulhall says. “ED isn’t just about having bad sex; it’s a window to your vascular health,” he says. And before things worsen, start exercising and lose weight.

Sex scene #4: You suddenly can’t get it up — but you were fine last month.

It might be: A blocked artery, especially if your leg mysteriously hurts too

The occasional limp penis is a casualty of naturally decreasing hormone levels as men age and experience changes in relationships, says Adam Tierney, a urologist with Dean Health Systems in Madison, Wisconsin. But what happens when ED comes on suddenly? An unusual but worrisome cause is aortoiliac occlusive disease, or Leriche’s syndrome, a narrowing of a heart artery due to blockage.

Hallmarks of Leriche’s syndrome: erectile problems that come on suddenly (one week you’re fine, and the next you have persistent issues) and are accompanied by pain in the leg (especially the calf) or the buttock, especially when you walk or exercise. People with problems of the nervous system (Parkinson’s disease, multiple sclerosis, diabetes) are at higher risk, as are smokers and those with high blood pressure.

What to do: Report this unusual combination of symptoms to your doctor. “It’s another kind of blood flow issue,” Tierney says.

Sex scene #5: Your penis aches while you’re having intercourse.

It might be: Peyronie’s disease

Peyronie’s disease, an uncommon condition that can develop at any age, is the formation of abnormal scar tissue under the penile skin, which can cause a hardened spot in the middle or make the penis bend slightly when erect. It’s often simply noticed as a constant discomfort during intercourse. “Some guys come in and say, ‘My penis just aches when I have sex,'” Mulhall says.

What to do: Always take pain as a sign something’s amiss — and tell your doctor. Peyronie’s cause is unknown, but it’s not an STD or a cancer. (It sometimes runs in families.) There’s no surefire treatment, although surgery is often successful.

Sex scene #6: Your partner, touching you, asks, “Hey, what’s that?”

It might be: Testicular cancer

Testicular cancer is asymptomatic — it doesn’t hurt. But it often presents as a painless bump or swelling on the testicle, which can be detected through self-exam (a good monthly habit) or by a partner’s roaming hands during sex.

What to do: Testicular cancer has a near-100-percent cure rate in early stages, so don’t ignore a lump; get yourself to a doctor. The best time for self-exams: standing up in a hot shower, when your muscles are relaxed.

Sex scene #7: You ejaculate way too quickly.

It might be: Hyperthyroidism

Premature ejaculation (PE) — climaxing either before intercourse or very soon after it begins — is the bane of younger men but can strike at any age. How soon is too soon is a relative issue, but a general rule of thumb is that PE is a problem when it routinely strikes without any control within a couple of minutes of insertion and sooner than either partner would like. As many as one in three men experience it at some point in their lives. Psychological issues (too excited, too immature, guilt) were once blamed for all cases, but doctors now know there can be physical causes, especially a malfunctioning thyroid (the gland responsible for making and storing key regulatory hormones).

“For some men, the only symptom of hyperthyroidism is premature ejaculation,” Mulhall says. One 2005 study found that fully half of men with a malfunctioning (hyper) thyroid complained of PE.

What to do: Though premature ejaculation is hard for many men to talk about, it’s highly treatable. If blood tests and an exam point to hyperthyroidism, medication can return your sex life to normal. And if your thyroid checks out OK? Therapies that thwart PE include breathing exercises, distraction, using a condom to diminish sensation, and behavioral therapies. SSRI-class antidepressants are also prescribed because, Tierney says, in healthy people without PE, they cause delayed orgasm.

Sex scene #8: When you ejaculate, it hurts.

It might be: A muscle spasm disorder, or prostatitis

In women, there’s a condition known as vulvodynia, mysteriously chronic pain of the vulva (around the vaginal opening). Penile pain at orgasm is thought to be the male counterpart, Mulhall says. The latest thinking on both conditions is that they’re some kind of nerve disorder, although it’s not clear whether this is in response to an infection or some kind of trauma, or what. It’s more often seen in young men in high-stress phases of life.

Another possible cause for painful ejaculation is prostatitis, an inflammation of the prostate, which is a gland located up under the rectum. “It’s a benign condition but an annoying one,” Tierney says. And the cause is a mystery in this case, too.

What to do: Dysorgasmia (orgasmic pain) is tough to treat. Some men choose to endure discomfort, while others work with a qualified doctor (usually a urologist) to try various treatments.

Sex scene #9: When you ejaculate, nothing comes out!

It might be: Your prostate meds

Retrograde ejaculation is a condition where you experience orgasm — but little to no semen comes out. (It exits through the bladder.) Alpha-blockers such as tamsulosin (Flomax), used to improve urination in men with enlarged prostate, are a common culprit. Sometimes diabetics also experience this due to nerve damage.

What to do: Nothing, unless it bothers you. “Most men don’t care, but some do,” Tierney says. A couple struggling with infertility would want to explore drug treatments or assistive reproduction techniques to remedy the condition.

Sex scene #10: It takes forever to ejaculate — if it happens at all.

It might be: Diabetes, or prediabetes in the form of a weight problem

In 9 out of 10 men with anorgasmia — the inability to reach orgasm — the root cause is psychological (anything from performance anxiety to work stress to a history of childhood sexual abuse). But in the remaining 10 percent of cases, there’s a penile sensory problem, most often caused by nerve damage due to diabetes, Tierney says.

Diabetics typically have other clues to the disease, including numbness in the feet, thirst, itchy skin, excessive urination, and fatigue — but they don’t always link the condition to sexual performance problems, which can include the inability to climax.

Overweight but not diabetic? “There’s increasing evidence that obesity itself is a medical cause of erectile dysfunctions and loss of libido,” Tierney says. “And obviously it can be a psychological barrier in the form of self-esteem issues.”

What to do: Ask your doctor about medications to treat ED, such as Viagra or Cialis, but be aware that because diabetics often have heart problems, these drugs aren’t always recommended. Instead: Don’t discount the healing power of lifestyle changes.

“People want to take a pill to make sexual problems better, but a pill won’t fix problems that are further back,” Tierney says. “Sometimes the best fix is to do the hard work of taking better care of yourself: stress management, losing weight, working on the underlying medical conditions.”

Source for article:

http://health.yahoo.net/caring/men-what-your-sex-life-says-about-your-health