Why we must talk to children about sex

2017-09-25

In recent days, incidents involving the assault and rape of young adolescents—girls and also boys—have come to attention. On the one hand, two girls, aged 10 and 13, were raped by supposedly “trusted” adults in Chandigarh and Mumbai. They silently bore the abuse until they fell pregnant and could no longer hide their condition.

In Mumbai, two boys swallowed insecticide and committed suicide after being abused and raped by older boys. They couldn’t stand the shame and prospect of further abuse. One boy died before he could tell his parents; the other sought his parents’ help only after he had consumed the fatal potion, but disclosed the names of his abusers before he lost his life.

These incidents should force adults to confront some hard realities. Today, growing up is fraught with physical insecurity, and yet adolescents know little about their bodies— how does one become pregnant, or protect oneself from unwanted pregnancies and infections? How does one confront a sexual predator or distinguish between good and bad touch? Too few girls and boys know these things and fewer still have access to a trusted mentor with whom they can share their experiences and who can take protective action. Most are never told that, if abused, it’s not their fault.

A study conducted by the Population Council on unmarried girls in Bihar and Jharkhand who underwent abortions showed that pregnancy took place after a forced sexual encounter for several of them. The study also sheds light on the reasons why the girls waited till they were well into the fourth or fifth month of pregnancy to seek termination. Several did not know the links between menstruation and pregnancy. Komal and Najma, both of whom were 18 and had experienced a forced sexual encounter, explained: “When I did not have my periods, I did not even think that I could have conceived. I did not feel anything. But one day my employer asked me why my stomach was looking so big… I started having a vomiting sensation. I had no idea that your periods stop when you conceive a child. Then my mother asked me when I had my last period.”

Many girls also described feelings of fear and anxiety about disappointing their family; they were worried about breaking the trust of their parents and losing their reputation. Others feared that their parents would beat them, abuse them or impose restrictions on their freedom of movement. Binita, a 20-year old, said, “My parents’ view towards me would have been shattered. They have full faith in me but had they come to know about this, they would have lost trust in me.”

While research on boys is sparse, it is likely that all four of the adolescents in the news recently, and thousands like them, react similarly to incidents of forced sex.

To prevent such incidents, we must shed the misconception that talking to adolescents about sex will encourage them to experiment with sex. Nothing could be further from the truth, as study after study in every part of the world has shown. Yet in India, teachers and parents shy away from sex education. They refuse to engage adolescents even on topics like pregnancy and menstruation, body changes, and good and bad touch. They believe that there is no need to provide this information, or that talking about these matters will encourage sexual activity. These perceptions are short-sighted, irrelevant in today’s times, and damaging for the adolescents. Informing adolescents about these matters does not lead them “astray”; rather, it empowers them and helps them make healthy choices.

School-based comprehensive sex education and open parent-child communication are urgently needed. Comprehensive sex education informs adolescents in an age-appropriate way about sexual and reproductive health, and unwanted sexual advances. At the same time, it also encourages them to develop notions of gender equality, and an ability to communicate and negotiate.

Parents, likewise, must be persuaded to discard their misconceptions and communicate openly with their children. They must teach their children that, if violated in any way, they must confide in their parents, and promise them unconditional support.

Elsewhere, parenting programmes have succeeded in breaking communication and trust barriers between parents and children, and there is scope for such programmes in India as well.

There are success stories in India too. A police outreach programme in Mumbai schools teaches children about good and bad touch. This month, a six-year-old girl in Mumbai, who had attended this programme, recognized that what a man was doing to her constituted bad touch, and was empowered enough to shout and raise an alarm as she had been taught, and succeeded not only in preventing him from perpetrating rape but also in ensuring his arrest. The little girl acted courageously, and the Mumbai police must be commended for delivering such an effective programme.

Parents and teachers must learn from this example. A three-pronged approach that includes comprehensive sex education, close parent-child interaction, and age-appropriate public awareness campaigns such as the police outreach programme will go a long way in fighting sex abuse.

Shireen Jejeebhoy is a social scientist and demographer.

This fruit boosts your libido

2017-09-07

When you think of dates—the fruit, not going for dinner—you probably think of digestive issues and constipation. That’s because they are known to help you in such cases. But dates can also be enjoyed to improve another area of health—sexual function in men.

Experts suggest that men should include dates in their diet as a means of improving their sexual function and boosting libido. Dr. Aminu Kazeem, a sexual health therapist who works at Energy for Sex Clinic in Lagos, Nigeria, explained, “Eating dates will promote sperm quality and quantity as it is one of the best natural fruits used for male fertility. It also increases the size of testes in men and the size of breast in women. Consuming the fruit can help to treat sexual disorders because it is a natural aphrodisiac.”

What makes dates such a potentially potent natural Viagra? It’s because they are packed with flavonoids and estradiol, which could work to improve sperm mobility and counts.

Dates are also known to boost sexual hormone levels and provide essential nutrients to improve sexual function in both men and women.

Generally speaking, anyone can consume dates regularly, but if you are diabetic, you may want to consult your doctor prior due to dates sugar content.

Nutritionist Toyin Adeola explained how you could consume dates as a means of boosting sexual performance. She said, “It is advisable to remove the seed and grind seven or eight pieces of dates and soak in water for about two to three hours. Add one glass of milk and one teaspoon of honey and drink at least once a day to boost sexual power.”

Other foods that boost libido naturally

Aside from dates, there are other foods that you can incorporate into your daily diet that could put your sex drive into overdrive.

Garlic

While the root is synonymous with smelly breath—not exactly sexy—it also contains a compound that increases blood flow and circulation to the genitals. So be sure to enjoy some with your dinner. Just make sure you brush your teeth before taking it to the bedroom.

Almonds

These high-protein snacks can do more than just keep you satiated between meals. Men who snack on almonds regularly could also benefit from increased production of male hormones that help regulate the sex drive.

Figs

Figs have been referred to as the “food of the Gods” and the “food of love,” and for good reason! These sweet fruits are loaded with natural aphrodisiacs that could ignite your sex drive and increase your stamina.

Asparagus

Some experts have asserted that eating three stalks of asparagus daily could boost your sex drive, thanks to its high levels of certain libido-enhancing vitamins.

Bananas

These yellow fruits are full of enzymes, vitamins, and minerals that have all been associated with increasing the production of sex hormones.

Avocados

One of the latest health food trends, avocados have more benefits than you may have realized. While they’re a fantastic source of healthy fats, they also contain vitamins and minerals that increase energy, regulate sex hormones, and boost libido for men and women.

Chilies

Hot chili peppers contain a chemical that triggers the production and release of endorphins. In addition to making you feel good, endorphins could also stimulate nerve endings and raise your heart rate.

So, the next time you feel your libido is lagging, try reaching for one of these foods to help kick-start your sex drive and better your bedroom performance.

Conversations about sex

2017-08-29

In a survey carried out on youngsters on sexual and reproductive health, 35% of the respondents did not believe pregnancy could occur in the first sexual encounter, while 19% believed using two condoms at the same time offered better protection.

The Malaysian Youth Sexual And Reproductive Health Survey 2016 certainly shed some light on the poor levels of sexual and reproductive health (SRH) knowledge among our youngsters.

Why are we so embarrassed to talk about this topic? Parents tend to avoid talking about the birds and the bees, schoolteachers whiz through the boy-girl anatomy sections, and youngsters discuss the subject in hushed whispers.

Because it is widely considered a taboo topic in Asia, our youngsters are ill-equipped with SRH knowledge, which leads them to make rash or bad decisions.

But this culture can be changed.

It begins at home and starts with a conversation about intimacy. Instead of skirting the issue, leaving it to schools or turning a blind eye, parents should talk about sex with their children.

“When we start talking about it, we will be able to address the deep-rooted perception that SRH education encourages sexual activity and promiscuous behaviour.

“Additionally, talking equips one with an in-depth understanding and respect of the physical, mental and social aspects on all matters relating to SRH.

“When parents speak to their children about their private parts, it is best to avoid using nicknames to ensure children treat their genitals the same as with other body parts. By addressing the private parts with their biological terms, it will help children not to feel ashamed of those parts, but appreciate and respect them.

“If parents continue addressing the private parts with nicknames, their children will build a perception that it is not right to talk about such things, and they carry this culture into adulthood,” says obstetrics and gynaecology consultant Prof Dr Harlina Halizah Siraj.

She was commenting on the ongoing #TalkNowProtectAlways campaign by Durex Malaysia, which seeks to encourage Malaysian youth and parents to talk about the subject in an effort to correct misconceptions.

According to certified parenting coach Zaid Mohamad, parents should treat it like a normal conversation at home, like how they would talk about school, games, and even programmes they watch together.

“Though it may be tough at first, I strongly urge parents to take note of the benefits their children will have by having such knowledge.

“Parents should also remember that it is okay to not have all the answers to the questions their child may have. Be honest with your child. If you do not know how to respond to them, let them know you will go find out and you will get back to them,” says Zaid, who is also the author of Smart Parents, Brighter Kids and Smart Parents, Richer Kids.

Every day, we read stories of rape and teenage pregnancy, with both victims and perpetrators getting younger. Just last month, a seven-year-old boy was alleged to have raped a six-year-old kindergarten pupil in Melaka.

Teaching children about SRH and sex crimes should be the priority for every parent as primary caregivers, as soon as the child is able to understand things.

Prof Dr Harlina says, “First, parents need to educate themselves on what SRH knowledge is truly about. They need to be made aware that it covers a wide range of areas that are fundamental to one’s growth and in keeping children safe and protected.

“These include a basic understanding of the bodily parts and their correct terminologies, puberty and respect of others, healthy relationships to staying protected and using contraception.”

While there is no ideal age for parents to start educating their children on SRH, Zaid feels these conversations should begin as early as possible.

“Opportunities may arise when parents are spending time with their children at home or when they are out doing activities together.

“For instance, when watching TV together and a pregnant teenager appears on screen, parents can educate their younger children on what pregnancy is all about. Or, if they have teenage children, ask them about the kind of feelings and emotions that the pregnant teenager might be going through,” he advises.

The conversation should not be treated as a one-off and has to progress in tandem with the child as he or she grows older and develops physically, mentally and emotionally.

Zaid adds, “A parent who has a two-year-old can start talking about body parts, private behaviours, as well as the difference between boys and girls.

“As the child grows older, say, when they are five years old, the conversation can evolve to include topics about understanding and respecting their bodies, appropriate touch, as well as when to say no.

“As the child reaches the pre-teen or teenage years, then it progresses into topics on dealing with puberty, body changes, relationships and much more.”

Prof Dr Harlina says, “When you talk, connect it back to your family values so that those are communicated as well. Though it may seem like a tall order at first, rest assured, that over time the conversations will get better, smoother and easier for both the parent and the child.

“In fact, a key message that I would like to tell parents is to be an ‘ask-able’ parent, rather than a lecturer. Listening is key to understanding what your child is going through, so do not be quick to judge nor brush aside their thoughts as it may deter them from coming to you again.”

Asians are accustomed to the practice of saying “no” to their children and expecting them to follow suit.

However, in today’s world where information is easily accessible, parents need to realise that they no longer stand as the sole source of information to which their children can go to for guidance.

In the digital age, false information is also widely available – and it is this type of inaccurate information that tends to go viral.

“As parents, we all know that constantly saying ‘no’ may even fan the fire of curiosity, and in turn, make them more rebellious. Knowledge is power. Help them understand the potential repercussions of their actions rather than just telling them ‘no’.

“This is particularly important when it revolves around your child’s SRH whereby one mistake is all it takes to have a permanent effect on your child’s life. Keep a lookout for signals that your child may be contemplating doing something behind your back,” says Zaid.

By instilling in the child an understanding of unprotected sex and its repercussions, it will help the child appreciate their body and the process of reproduction, which in turn will help them make informed decisions.

And contrary to what critics fear, such awareness does not encourage youth to start “experimenting”. Young people need age-appropriate and culturally-sensitive sex education to empower them.

“It is important to educate boys to learn to respect girls and their decisions. It is not enough to only teach girls about pregnancy and how to stay protected; boys need to learn to take responsibility, too. We need to educate them on the female’s reproductive system, how it works, as well as how to be respectful and responsible.

“This will in turn cultivate a culture whereby boys are responsible, considerate and protective. These are all part of a healthy understanding of SRH that we hope to grow and develop among Malaysians,” stresses Zaid.

Read more at http://www.star2.com/health/wellness/2017/08/28/conversations-about-sex/#ym7Bk7xthC08fm7p.99

It’s not your age, it’s the age of the person you feel that matters when it comes to sex

f you want to maintain an active sex life as you get older, try feeling young – if you can.That’s the advice from the leading institute of research into sexual behaviour The Kinsey Institute.

It’s research shows that frequency of sexual relations drops off quite dramatically as people age.While there are, of course always exceptions, it seems the pattern is fairly constant.The findings, published in the The Journal of Sex Research, show that people under the age of 30 typically have sex twice a week – about 112 times a year.Those in the 30 to 39 category are likely to get intimate less frequently – about 1.6 times per week, or 86 times a year.

Then those who are aged between 40 and 49 have sex only 69 times per year, about half the amount of those in the 18 to 29 category.Scientists carrying out the research carried out two interviews – ten years apart – with 1,170 individuals in America.They found the reasons people tend to have less sex as they get older weren’t just down to physical factors – but often emotional ones.

In his Kinsey Institute blog, Dr Justin Lehmiller said: “Those who feel older and have more negative attitudes toward aging are likely to perceive the sharpest declines in the quality of their sex lives.“At the same time, the younger people feel, the more likely they are to maintain high sexual satisfaction as they get older – or at least they’ll experience a much less noticeable change.“More generally, this study provides further support for the idea that your brain really is your biggest sex organ.“No matter where you are in the lifespan — from your teenage to your twilight years — the way you feel about yourself can fundamentally shape your experience of sex.

“The basic storyline that has emerged from these studies is that, as we get older, our odds of developing chronic health conditions increases and this, in turn, negatively impacts the frequency and quality of sexual activity.”Physical issues such as heart disease, high blood pressure and diabetes were all cited as causes of impotence among men as they got older.However the experts say that discussing health-related sexual difficulties in the context of a relationship or seeking medical help could make the biggest difference in improving sexual health.

Is the ‘family planning’ aisle in drug stores homophobic?

2017-08-17

A gay anthropologist in Britain has started a one man mission to get the “family planning” aisle renamed in drug stores. In a world gone mad, Jamie Lawson is standing up for those who can’t procreate and he’s taking his case to corporate headquarters.

Lawson, a gay man, stopped by a local Sainsbury supermarket last June and wanted to pick up some condoms and lube along with his groceries. But when he found the items under a “family planning” banner, he took his complaint to Twitter.

“I am a gay man; the sex I have is non-reproductive by definition,” Lawson told Mic, saying the phrasing made him “self-conscious in a way that heterosexual people [aren’t].”

Months later, Lawson has contacted and compared several chains’ choice of words for the sexual health section. Our friends over at Queerty have a good rundown of the back and forth between the activist and various outlets, but what about American drugstores?

Mic took a look at three popular American chains and found the results were similar if not worse. CVS has a “family planning” section that includes condoms, lube, toys and spermicides. Pregnancy tests were in a separate “feminine care” section with tampons. Duane Reed fared the best with “family planning” and “sexual wellness” sections sitting side by side. Rite Aid also had both “family planning” and “feminine care” sections, but they were closer together.

A brand manager explained to Mic that in the public’s mind the terms “sexual health” and “family planning” are often one and the same, but “sexual health” makes some people uncomfortable. They want to “get in and get out” quickly. They put the sections in the back of the store to make people more comfortable since it’s more private.

But does that make a drugstore shelf designated for “family planning” homophobic?

“There are quite a few of us for whom sex has nothing to do with reproduction at all,” Lawson wrote in a blog post. “I’m a man who has sex with men, for example. No man that I’ve ever had sex with has been capable of becoming pregnant (which is not to say none are), so ‘family planning’ has been pretty low on my list of priorities when I’m thinking about orgasms. LGBTQI+ people of various types and combinations tend, on the whole, to have sex for pleasure, rather than reproduction and, furthermore, when queer people do decide to reproduce, we probably don’t go shopping for condoms.

“In fact, if you really start to look at it, if you follow that idea all the way down this particular rabbit hole, then it starts to look as if the fact that LGBTQI+ people have sex for pleasure is what it is about us that society (people en masse) really objects to.”

The link between STIs and infertility

Monday, July 24, 2017 , BY PENDA HONEYGHAN

MOST sexually transmitted infections (STIs) can be treated with medication. But sometimes when left untreated, they can have serious reproductive health consequences, among them being infertility.

“Infertility is the inability of a couple to conceive after a year and a half of trying to get pregnant, and can be a source of major distress. It is one of the most common reasons for women to visit their gynaecologists,” says Dr Keisha Buchanan, obstetrician-gynaecologist at ICON Medical Centre.

She says the condition which affects both sexes can be caused by any number of things, but an increasing number of cases have been linked to STIs. These can spread to the womb and to the Fallopian tubes in women, and in men, up along the urethra (through which urine emerges) and the epididymis (the passage where spermatozoa travel from the testicles to the penis).

“The infections cause inflammation and scarring in the pelvic organs in women, such as in the Fallopian tubes and the lining of the womb — a condition called Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. This blocks the passage of the egg so that it cannot meet and be fertilised by the sperm. In men, inflammation of the epididymis and urethra causes scarring and blocks the passage of sperm. This causes the sperm count to fall off,” Dr Buchanan explained.

She said among the list of STIs that may cause infertility are chlamydia, which is the most common, gonorrhea, trichomoniasis, mycoplasma and ureaplasma. Others such as HIV, hepatitis B and C and herpes, however, carry their own set of risks but do not cause infertility.

She said that people should always investigate their sexual health, especially if they suspect that they could be carrying an infection. She acknowledges, however, that this can sometimes be hard to detect since most of these STIs are subtle and tend to be asymptomatic. This means that whichever party has the infection may not notice any problems, and so may be unaware that they need to get treatment.

“Symptoms in women may present with a watery, milky or yellow vaginal discharge, a blood-stained vaginal discharge, pain in the lower abdomen, pain during sex, fever, symptoms similar to a urinary tract infection — such as burning while urinating and passing the urine too often; while in men you may also see a watery, milky or yellow blood-stained discharge from the penis, pain in the testicles, groin pain, passing the urine too often, or burning during the passage of urine,” Dr Buchanan shared.

In cases where oral sex is practised, soreness in the throat or a discharge in the throat may be present.

Fortunately, however, Dr Buchanan said that these potentially dangerous infections may be easily treated once they are discovered early.

“These infections can be treated with antibiotics; however, the longer the infection is present and is untreated, the greater the chances of damage to the reproductive organs, and thus the likelihood of infertility problems. When some patients do get tested and discover that they have chlamydia, the infection could have already been present for several months,” she said.

Dr Buchanan advised that it is always best to use a condom, to have one sexual partner, or to abstain in an effort to protect yourself against these infections. In the event that you have unprotected sex or sex with multiple partners, Dr Buchanan recommends that you get tested for STIs. She warns against relying on the onset of symptoms alone, because this may be misleading.

“It is important to note that most people who get these infections and are treated will fully recover and will not become infertile. Along with STIs, there are other causes of infertility, such as hormonal imbalances in men and women — fibroids and womb polyps in women, and in men, factors that decrease sperm production such as an excessive exposure of the testicles to heat, cigarette and marijuana smoking.”

OPINION: Have a healthy conversation about sex in college

According to The Journal of Sexual Medicine, college students are the consistently the most sexually active people, but talking about sexuality is still taboo. Conversations about safety, testing and other minutia about the subject are few and far between. Students need to normalize conversations about sexual safety to promote a healthier environment.

The most important reason to discuss sexual safety regularly is to help victims of sexual assault come forward and discuss their experiences. According tothe National Sexual Violence Resource Center, twenty percent of college women and six percent of college men are victims of sexual assault. Despite these high figures, ninety percent of sexual assault victims do not report the incidents.

The victims who experience sexual assault are not to blame for the low rates of reporting,  rather an environment where students feel unsafe telling others about their experience is at fault and stigmas surrounding both male and female sexuality.

According to theAmerican Public Health Association, “factors that perpetuate misperceptions about men’s sexual victimization [include] reliance on traditional gender stereotypes, outdated and inconsistent definitions and methodological sampling biases.” The solution to this is changes that move beyond regressive gender assumptions, which can harm both men and women.

An effective way to fix this problem is to discuss the less exciting facets of sexual activity. Creating an atmosphere where consent, protection, and boundaries is more common than other discussions of sexuality will encourage people to discuss their own experiences regarding sexuality.

The UGA Health Center has many resources for this such as Relationship and Sexual Violence Prevention (RSVP) which can be a first point of contact for students needing assistance with immediate assault, and the Sexual Health Department which provides invaluable information about birth control and safe sex.

Having conversations about productive conversation about sex is only possible if people are willing to discuss the safety, consent and boundaries that go along with it. This discussion will not only create an environment where those who have faced sexual assault can safely discuss it, but also create an environment where less sexual assault is perpetrated. This will help victims of all genders and create a safer campus environment for all.